As I sat and watched Hong Kong win the shield at the National Stadium I felt moved to come out of writing retirement and share with you some of my thoughts on the latest contribution to Valley's silverware cabinet.. However I'm not here to write about Tim "bogan josh" Alexander - yeah he can run pretty quick and he throws a mean pass and as I said when I saw the quote in the paper - "lucky late call up my ar$e." Salun Bolt showed glimpses of the attacking flair he first learned as part of the Griffins just a few seasons ago - ironic that the end of his Griffs playing career came on the same pitch as his 2nd finest moment - scoring 2 tries on Saturday. I remember when he came to me in floods of tears - saying that he was to be robbed of his greatest moment - a chance to represent the Griffs in the Div 5 7s final at HK stadium. When I asked him why he would miss it he said that a team called "the 1sts" wanted him to play for them instead.
Anyway - what you won't read in the papers because of these two headline grabbing sods is that a far bigger, and no less unexpected victory occurred a few weekends ago down in Manila involving 30 other Valley players. Made up mainly of Griffs with some Broncos and Tangs (Toncins?) the touring party's average experience was boosted with the appearance of Colin "I am Valley" Olsen, Andy "Piemaster" Cameron and Boozer "top rope, high risk move" Beuzeval with 135 trips to Manila between them for a mixture of touring and pleasure.

It would be fair to say that by taking 30 guys down to Manila that what we lacked in talent on the pitch would be more than made up for in talents deployed off the pitch and so it was by the grace of Cathay Pacific a fine premium airline, that the shandy drinking group party experienced some minor delays which gave them a convenient excuse for not drinking. That is not an excuse. Claiming that you had been forced at gun point to sh!t your pants by an angry mob in wan chai when your mrs finds skid marks in your undies after a heavy night on the pop is an excuse. Anyway the chaps landed and deployed and went about their business like a pack of hyenas at a petting zoo. In the match program I jokingly made reference to one of our players having recently served time in prison for armed robbery so imagine my surprise when I looked across the street at the ATM to see Boozer holding one of the security guard's M16 assault rifles-he said he'd never held another man's gun before but liked the way it felt in his hands and he'd been told about a bar called "the firing range" where there were plenty of retired sheriff's whose badges had gone rusty. Anyway unbelievably we managed to get everyone capable of walking and breathing at the same time onto the bus at 7am and off to the ground. 8.15am – Nomads ground – a group of guys with vomit breath and skid marks bordering on follow through - the idea of moving anything other than their bowels causing great pain and consternation – the ideal shape for stepping out to defend the recent Valley Manila reputation of leaving all their rugby in Hong Kong and all their money on P Burgos. 4 games lay ahead of us – 4 games between us and an early finish, early swim, early beers back on the roof and early wrestling.

Our opposition for the day consisted of 2 local teams, a father and son team and the Brisbane Warriors who looked like a bunch of pansy AFL players complete with wife beater tans and more hair product than Matt “the nose” Bennett. Meatloaf missed out on singing live the night before due to a mix up at baggage handling when his travelling wardrobe of 5 ruffle shirts and 3 waistcoats and 8 extra large hankies failed to clear customs. This meant that he was madder than Paddy after drinking all that Vodka in Cheung Chau when he nearly feel off the ferry a few years ago, on the pitch all day – giving it the big bosh all over the place. Waffle had been honing his Connect 4 skills all season in the run up to Manila and likewise was seriously pi$$ed when customs confiscated his iPhone with the “Win Connect 4 every time App.” Saying it was bad for the local economy. So he brought a different type of game to the pitch – his A game. Woe betide anyone who got in his way as all opposition forwards were outpaced, out scrummaged and outbearded. Boris was full of vigor after his night on the dairy products and caused the kind of destruction only an Austrian can do as he quite literally annihilated anything within biffing distance. This was the regular season’s Griffins front row – never bettered in HK they were out to justify recent interest shown by a philanthropic benefactor a Mr R MacDonald in sponsoring them. The front row was bolstered by Christian “Smorgasm – It’s like an orgasm only not as good” Smollinger– he’d clearly learned a great deal during his time in Singapore – a tour veteran he was keen to show how he’d mastered the art of not being anywhere near me when it came to being subbed onto the pitch but was always in my eye line when I was looking to sub someone off – he could often be seen parading in front of me in his one man band outfit with the symbols banging every step he took etc. Andy “what shall I have as my ring name – “Rusty Sheriff’s badge Inspector” or “Mammary Maintenance Man?” refused point blank to play in the backs – he was actually scared that it might expose his Achilles heel – his inability to catch a ball whilst running. He’d managed to hide it all season in the Broncos by pretending to be Eric.

Second row posed some interesting selection challenges – youth, fitness, height, handling ability or Olse? Which is why Rudi “I am a plumber mein frauline and I am here to check to check your pipes while your incredibly broad minded friend is here during the middle of the day – I am also absent minded and forgot to wear a t shirt before I put my denim dungarees on this morning.” started every game. It’s weird to think that it’s less than a year since the Rootmeister rocked up to Valley and passed the strict Griff’s qualification requirements of having never played before but liking beer. He won virtually every lineout all day – theirs and ours! Alex “I’m like Rudi only I fix the plumbing in neighborhoods with dungeons and I prefer wearing leather chaps to dungarees” showed that not every German likes to urinate on people in the bath. Alex says he does a lot of the hard work that often goes unseen – although how we can verify this I don’t really know. Horse is a Valley legend – by that I mean that mothers tell their children stories about him to frighten them into eating their vegetables. Clearly not a fan of the sun he was seen going back into his stable between games but only after enjoying a carrot. Olse could still remember when as a 15yr old he first came to Manila – he remembers how he had to pretend to everybody that he had shaved his genitals and inhaled helium to account for his hairless body and squeaky voice. However he returned to Honkers after that trip with a full beard, balls clanging like AC/DC’S Hells Bell and a voice like Barry White. Island School would never be the same and parents would never let their kids go to Manila with Valley again. An old Griff Sean “sorry mama san you must have me mistaken for someone else” Alexander continued his track record for having a w@nk on the dick of the tour’s toothbrush without them knowing. And I have just realized we forgot to announce the dick of the tour title – this year it went to…oh I forget now but no harm done eh…

Hugo “excuse me madam would it sound awfully presumptuous of me to ask if you’d care to join me for a drink – you see these fellows are a trifle immature and I can’t get a – oh I sayyyyyyyy matron once took my temperature like that.” Showed that despite being posher than Meatloaf he was no stranger to performing on stage with other people - although it had been some years ago at his public school and there were no girls so boys had to dress up (again) I’m going to mention Craig the Vicar along with the forwards because despite being sent on as a replacement for a winger he resolutely stayed with the pack causing Harvard Tom’s heart rate to go dangerously close to its maximum of 110 bpm. Craig is Canadian and all those years hunting moose so he could mount them had prepared him well for the rigors of Manila touring. Arthur “I’ve managed to convince work to give me the Philippines as part of my territory as an emerging market” showed a desire to build strong links with the local movers and shakers – the fact that these locals were moving and shaking on a stage in high heels didn’t seem to deter him.

Phil “the coot” played at scrum half and whilst he resisted calls from the team to get a small hoop tattooed on the top of his scalp with a few droplets to look like spunk he showed that it was possible to play not just good rugby with a hangover but that it was possible to play sublime rugby with a hangover. Don’t let those camouflage shoulder pads fool you – whilst you might find him hanging around the men’s latrines a lot of the time, unlike toilet roll sh!t does not stick to this guy on the pitch – probably the player of the tournament for Valley, Phil made a number of requests to leave the pitch early on due to fatigue and a desire to vomit but I felt this was against the spirit of things and pretended not to see his gestures or hear his pleas. This was mainly due to the fact that 930 Carango was our only other option at 9 and every time he threw a pass out the first aiders were ready with the stretcher as they watched the ball drift lazily on the breeze towards the intended victim – sorry target. I’ll mention Tony with the backs because he spent more time there and like anyone who has spent most of their playing career in the forwards he refused to change his playing style to match the scrum half role. I wouldn’t say he took a long time to get the ball out from the base of the scrum but I did manage to say the entire alphabet forwards and backwards, in Mandarin, whilst drinking a glass of water, standing on one leg spinning a plate between when he picked the ball up and it actually landing somewhere behind the intended recipient.

Harvard Tom played fly half and centre. Jeremy Guscott once described Scott Gibbs as the fasted prop he knew. Well HT is the slowest Centre I know. I’m not saying he lacks pace but I actually covered more ground doing forward roles along the touchline than he managed during one of his “breaks.” However HT is an intimidating presence on the pitch – if he gets hold of you out there he will tear you a new ar$ehole after first destroying your original one with his fist. He is no respecter of reputation unless it is a reputation for deep throating. Chris “I’M A FUKKING HUMAN TANK!” Stenzl is exactly the kind of player you hate coming up against – talented, stacked, relentless – a bit like Rocco Siffredi he just pounds away relentlessly and you know the end result is going to be messy. Darren “I’m just a regular guy with exceptional hair” OB was part of the reconnaissance team that parachuted in early. Darren constantly asks the question “what would jesus do?” for any given situation and then does the opposite – he never takes the easy option out there on the pitch and seems to believe that if he stays in the same point long enough play will come to him – he calls this “reading the game.” The Kaiser also played centre and wing – he treats every opponent like they stole his parking spot and at one point someone he tackled tried to rejoin our back line – so disoriented were they after this huge hit that they had to be lead off the pitch and were heard muttering “I think I saw Grandma up in heaven Daddy” For the record I mentioned that one of the teams we played were a father and son outfit – this player was a son and his father could be heard commiserating with him “rather you than me son.” Paul “what’s all the fuss about with these bars – hey get out of the way you fukstick I can’t see” Hardy made his Valley debut and showed that we can expect great things of him as a player off the pitch. He made a telling tackle on the Football Club goat and punched a ball boy for “looking at me funny.” We just need to work out how to channel this aggression and turn it into talent. Vic “I use gravy for sunscreen” Cavin let the side down by not inviting his bis#xual female friend on tour – as such we passed a law that he can be fined by anyone at anytime whenever they see him – wherever it may be. This is not the act of a team player. However he can run very fast and often gets tackled high which is quite funny. I would show more concern and compassion but he didn’t invite HER on tour so what do you expect?

Seb “haircut of a 15yr old on the head of 40 year old” Cheung put on another display of faultless handling – I’m not sure if this would have been the case if somebody had actually passed him the ball but nevertheless he managed not to drop a single ball unless you count the one he was cupping in his mouth in that tranny bar we caught him in. Steve “I may have a fat gut but that doesn’t stop me wearing tight tops and tucking them into my jeans” Hewitt played a totally different style of rugby in Manila to his usual game in HK. In Manila he didn’t miss a tackle and scored a try with blistering pace, side steps and dummies. Other people saw it so like the rest of this report I’m not making it up. Matt “I just finish them off” Bennett showed that this nickname no longer refers to his sideline job in Tokyo - he certainly nose the way to the try line. He can sniff a try out. Once he gets the scent they can’t shake him off. I would do a proper player profile on him but I’d have to turn the page to Landscape – for those of you who don’t know him Matt has a big nose. Matt played with a skill and flair that he’d managed to suppress in all his years with the Griffs and in order to improve our chances of winning the league next year we have started a petition to keep him in Tokyo for at least another season. Dan “torso of a bodybuilder - legs of bob the builder” made a fleeting appearance on the wing – in boardies and trainers it was clear he wasn’t a regular rugby player but he would make up for that later when he stunned the audience at Fight Club who all assumed he was a little skinny weedy bloke – he’s a bit like Weasel only stacked and attractive to the opposite s3x. There were some other people on tour but unselfishly they didn’t play, preferring to let others bask in the glory of the 38 degree heat early that morning.

Now for the match reports – we were undefeated over 2 days and won the shield against Kowloon – BOOM!