Griffins - 0 Beer

JP is returning to the UK to get married. What a poof. At the drop of a pair of lace ones he starts taking pink oboe lessons coupled with a bit of tromboning thrown in for good measure. We couldn’t very well let this moment pass without a fitting celebration – and so it came to pass that because his rugby reputation was shattered this season for the Griffs after an ill advised move to scrum half where he was by his own admission “a bit sh!t” that we decided to hold a Red Jacket golf event at Shenzhen Airport Golf.

Now the Red Jacket is no respecter of reputations – many mighty Valley men have fallen from grace as the beer train has pulled away from the first tee and trundled off down the fairway. Many lives have been left in tatters, dreams crushed, hopes dashed and friendships made and lost as that unerring ability of your average Valley rugby player to hit anything other than a Scum player in the face with any degree of consistency is highly questionable. And the guys went on to prove that today was no exception. The Vegas betting odds prior to the match have been included so you can see how they lined up prior to the first shot fired in anger. Scroll down to the bottom as they are funnier than this write up!

With a huge field assembled this was the RJ that everybody wanted to win – The JP Classic (ironic name for the tournament really given the scale of cack about to be witnessed.) 14 of us met at the Airport Express and made our way to Shenzhen – bus journey was pretty uneventful apart from Darren O’Brien admitting that he had always found the sight of Robbo in shorts strangely alluring. What we hadn’t expected was the fact that Liptak would be so jealous of Robbo for O’B’s affections – muttering something about it being “the last time I let him be the giver in this relationship.” Robbo was keen to use this to his advantage and he let his shorts ride up his ar$e by the 3rd tee and kept looking back over his shoulder at OB when he bent down to pick up his ball with one of his little fingers in his mouth and winking. This ensured that OB had some tent pole – make that tent peg action going on in his shorts for most of the round which cost him dearly on the long holes. Lippy in a huff decided to concentrate on his game and JP’s sideburns, that have reached epic proportions – some of the other golfers were trying to clean their shoes on the side of his face they were so bristly.

This was going to be a long day and not least for the newcomers to the RJ who had to down their first can of beer before swinging the bat on the 1st tee. So the boys all teed off and to be honest there was quite a range of skill on show ranging from none whatsoever to none. Amazingly nobody was turned away by the starter after their tee shots – the score card shows what a shocker that first hole was for some people. Leeroy’s Dancing Queen polo shirt didn’t go down too well but apparently it’s worth an extra length in the clubhouse. Travis still hadn’t gotten over the fact that his only free morning as a new father was to be spent chugging beer in 99% humidity against the backdrop of huge expectation and he didn’t disappoint – I expected him to be sh!t and he was.

Alex was by his own admission “a bit ring rusty” – not sure how this was going to account for his golf throughout the day but once the gears were oiled with San Mig he began to play with a fluidity not seen since the arctic tundra froze even deeper and therefore had no fluid to offer. Sean was out to prove that living on a boat in DB had nothing to do with his love of Semen as he stuck resolutely to the task of avoiding playing good shots – apart from the one we all missed because we were too busy looking at those big a$$ planes on the runway.

Charlie had made the long trip from Shenzhen to another golf course and sat there in his jeans waiting for us to arrive – this was to be indicative of his round of golf – we sat there in our carts waiting for him to find his ball or take yet another drop as he blamed his dip in form on having played hooker for the Griffs despite being one of our best looking players. Paddy took umbridge at this comment pointing out that a qualifying factor for the Griffs is that you have to be butt ugly in order to get in the team so that we have no unwanted distractions like chicks watching us play – does this mean that Weasel is handsome? Obviously not – if good looks could be measured by how well you play golf then this boy is a triple bogey on a par three. That said if he keeps his trips to Bangkok up he’ll be too handsome to play for the Griffs by the start of the season so maybe we can swap him for Prav on a like for like basis – they both have similar playing styles and are both in positions of authority and responsibility in Valley teams – the comparisons are endless – on second thoughts we’ll keep the Mighty Ferret thanks!

Leo brought the average age of the RJ down and the average level of pre pubescent bumfluff up. He’d apparently been out the night before and snogged 3 birds, banged two of them on Matt’s roof and then done Matt’s mrs during a trip to the toilet – we knew this to be pure fabrication because no self respecting Griff would have bothered going to the toilet when there was a roof terrace around and nor would they bother going to an RJ if they had two ladies for the price of one and no deposit to pay. As such, his golf, like his stories and Pot Bellied Pigs initiation sucked. Matt on the other hand as will be shown when we work out how to transfer video files to the Valley site was the star attraction – buying brand new shoes, trousers, clubs and a house at the course and putting them on expenses on a “client social.” Thank god he’s a better salesman than he is a golf player – in a moment very reminiscent of a camp George Bush he said “Now let’s play golf. Watch this…” and he took about five shots to get 100 yrds. I think I was snorting like a pig behind the camera – undeterred he continued in the same style for a few more holes before threatening to kick Leo and JP out of his flat if they didn’t start playing worse.

And so to the golf you say? Well it was clear early on that Lippy was on fire – he couldn’t stop himself from smiling and looked unnervingly like a slightly deformed Great White shark that had the scent of blood in his gills. Not playing with Robbo clearly helped as Leeroy hit water, rough, trees and himself in the face in order to try to get out of an early slump. JP played some great golf – but apparently it was on another course many years ago. Charlie will stay at the wrong golf club in future and quaff dry martinis. OB was solid – with the vision of Robbo bending over – all the way round and but for the RJ rules he would have been involved in a dance off for first place with Lippy – praise the lord we were spared that! Robbo could have been better but decided that it was a nice day for a drink and so concentrated more on the beer cart than his golf. Weasel is slowly – very slowly getting better so expect to see him play off 23 in another 10 yrs. Travis didn’t trouble the leaders but by a strange quirk of fate had the lowest combined last 3 digits of his cell phone and won a silver bust of JP’s face – nice. Sean went back to DB not entirely empty handed having fallen in love with the greenkeeper who had very rough hands apparently. Alex has rediscovered a love of early morning drinking – we didn’t realize he was a recovering alcoholic but them’s the breaks sometimes. Leo got a par which for someone so young and fluffy of face is very good. Matt will pay a lookalike to play for him next time and then take the 18th fairway to great acclaim. Paddy drove the beer carts pretty well all day and started talking about going for the Green Jacket – a can of beer per hole no fecking chance…And so to the golf – check the scorecard – JL won for the umpteenth time and took his victory in very good spirit although there was talk of cheating but he claims he did drink all his beer…

So it was a great day out to celebrate all that is good about the Griffs and all that is bad about JP’s decision to return to higher taxes, rising inflation, uglier women and pubs that have dress codes and bouncers. You will be missed my friend but your legend lives on and I still beat you in arm wrestling you noofter.

Vegas Betting Odds prior to the event below

Marc “Choo Choo” Rob(in)son

The Tiger Woods of the Asian Beer Circuit. Has to be taken seriously. First time punters don’t be put off by his less than athletic appearance, his penchant for beer or his seeming lack of desire for a win. The lack of sunny weather will play right into his chubby, fish finger hands. May well forget his clubs and bring the baby walker in stead.

Most Likely to: Eagle the par 5 16th with 12 beers in him and get pushed.

Odds: Likes the longer events and rarely been in a playoff but could still run away with it. 5/1

Leslie “Don’t arrest her, she’s my wife” Weasel Tomlinson

Holds the record for the most events without a win, although has won more skins in the last 12 months than 6 times RJ winner Skoda Liptak. Saturday’s event will have him thinking himself an outside chance based on short hole performance. Look for his erection on the par 3’s. If it goes to a dance off, watch for this one.

Most Likely to: ignite a China-wide caddy walk-off in protest to sexual harassment in the workplace.

Odds: More chance of killing anal cancer with a vitamin tablet. 20/1

Darren “Follow me to Freedom” O’Brien

The extra pounds this year have given him the extra distance needed to become the current RJ holder. Known on the Brit circuit as BP (The Quiet Achiever). You’ll know if you’ve blown your dough as soon as he folds into his own ar5e when addressing the ball but be aware that the Quiet Achiever won’t give you any indication if he is on the cards to take the jacket. Showed a tougher streak vs the Scaramooshcanyoudothefandango Eagles in Manila so the mental side to his game is bound to have improved after they moonwalked up and down his punka$$.

Most Likely to: miss a one foot putt for a 5 skin win. “Fukk dude, you know I had a one foot putt on that hole. I would have taken 5 fukkin skins dude!”

Odds: Probably too much pressure on the short grass for a win in this environment, but he does hold the jacket and it counts for something. 6/1

John “Skoda” Liptak

Two numbers tell the whole story here. Say them aloud before punting away your wedge: 4 skins. 12 months. With maybe the biggest ever field for an RJ assembled, the creator of the tournament will be far too excited to be able to monitor his own measly beer intake capacity and if paired with Robbo, could blow out before the 4th hole. Still living off past glories – might join the Defender back at Barracks if things go to pot early on.

Most Likely to: throw a brand new $5000 driver in the lake after “teeing 4 playing 5”

Odds: Always a sneaky chance although has built himself up as a self proclaimed hole pusher and this might be too tight a field. 8/1

Lee “Slim Fast” Castle

Consistency is the name of the game for this boy – if he’s wearing his heart rate monitor then it’s all over – put some ephedrine in his beer and watch him fall apart.

Most :Likely to: spend the week before asking his personal trainer for exercises that will give him the edge he seeks over the rest of the field. Will certainly look the part in all his free gear but will spend more time flexing and chowing down on Beefcake bars than supping the golden throat charmer.

Odds: 8/1 – if his golf buggy breaks down watch him fall apart on his “rest” day between high intensity work outs

Sean “The C@ck” Roche

First RJ and despite being a regular on the courses of China expect to see him go downhill rapidly as he trades golfing fame for a day away from the family on the lash. Not exactly a purist watch him and Lord Belvedere perform their party trick where The C@ck gets Bel hard and tees off from his Japs Eye.

Most :Likely to: pretend he’s on a work assignment when his wife calls and make static noises before hanging up.

Odds: 6/1 could be dark horse depending on how he manages to hold back from boarding the train with Robbo.

Leo “Sh!tbeard the Homo Pirate” Heffler

RJ First timer been practicing his swing alone in his room whilst “listening to cds.” Get paired with this guy and you’ll find yourself wishing Mikey 3 Chins was with you – bring earplugs and a hammer.

Most :Likely to: drink your beer and try to claim squatters rights in anything with a roof and four walls.

Odds: 100/1 – if the gods are on his side expect a sub 150 round

Lord Jonathan Edward Belvedere Ignatius Partington

Second time in an RJ – plays cack handed even though chokes his chicken with his right.

Most :Likely to: call his Mrs to be and go all lovey dovey during the round before looking for someone smaller than him to arm wrestle.

Odds: 6/1 based on previous ability and his desire to get that 1st RJ under his belt – if he’s tucked up early in bed with Matt and Leo the night before he could wake up raring to go.

Matt “Salsa” Bennett

If it goes to a dance off then this boy could rival Weasel. Swept the ladies off their feet in Manila with his Latin snake hips and signature dance move but the RJ will test his drinking skills so despite owning an expensive set of clubs a few well placed comments and poorly judged beers could see him fall off the pace.

Most :Likely to: Put his credit card behind the bar and charge it to expenses – the boy has style.

Odds: 10/1 – Very competitive guy with a lot to prove in his first RJ – one of life’s naturals so expect something special on debut.

Charlie “Frightfully Groovy” Jarvis

RJ Cherry busting time for this awfully well spoken Pom. Hurt his hand in a freak w@nking accident the night before a big Griffs game and offered to play hooker to avoid having to tell his mrs about next doors dog and the microwaved bag of liver.

Most :Likely to: Create some facial hair for the duration of the event out of Caddy pubes… “Hey look Weasel. Look. A beard…. No no you have to look at me upside down!”

Odds: 10/1 – says he used to play every week til the age of 17 and reckons the 2 beer buzz off the coach will help loosen up his action. However he was talking about his bowel action. One to watch if it comes down to a putt out – if it’s dancing then kiss goodbye to your wonga.

Alex “Beaker” Peaker

Looks, sounds and plays like a muppet – not an official RJ contestant due to not manning up and pulling on the Valley shirt but could be a front runner for the JP “Thumbprint” trophy. Invented organic hair gel whilst working on a cow insemination program during his gap year – more interested in animals than golf.

Most :Likely to: Turn his ankle wearing inappropriate footwear from his evening job outside Delaneys.

Odds: 50/1 – Flush your money down the can – you’ve more chance of seeing it again as recycled toilet roll than getting it back with this guy winning.

Travis “Don” Hemley

Another man who agreed to play for the Griffs after Weasel had allegedly recruited him but didn’t show up. Never pulled on a Valley shirt but has run his hand up the inside of some Bronco’sn his time -

Most :Likely to: Start well before hitting the beer wall – for a big man he can sure talk a lot of sh!t when the pi$$ is in his system. As a new father if he’s paired with Robbo they could hold the field up swapping photos of their new borns.

Odds: 6/1 If he can keep the beer demons at bay this gentle giant could well sneak the JP “Of course I’d love to go to IKEA in stead of watching the rugby darling” trophy. Get this boy on the pitch for Valley for a few minutes and he’ll make a great RJ tourist.

Patrick “Defender of the Realm” Shepherd

Part of the support crew – may be inclined to tread balls into the ground or help Liptak out of bad lies for money.

Most likely to: turn up in combat gear with cammo paint and a large ruc sac full of beer rations and a survival bag to sleep in if he can’t walk the course.

Odds: 101/1 as a non player, his odds go only slightly longer than the Homo Pirate. Go to the private bookies and lay a bet on that he gets a fire lit by rubbing two caddies together and gets a brew on whilst sh!tting in a plastic bag and burying it under the practice putting green.

Arrann “I said smell my finger, not pull it… now I’ve gone and sh!t my pants again” Young

Camera-man on tour. If he ever takes the digital editing that he is going to need in order to finish this production expect a lot of Monty Python style humour.

Mostly Likely to: Take his plastic man finger brace off and lose the tip of his finger in a beer opening accident.

Odds: 19/1 – slightly better chance of winning than his last RJ given that he won’t be swinging his clubs, and slightly better chance than Weasel.