Griffins 25 - 19 Scum

We have somehow managed to put ourselves in the position where it doesn’t matter what everyone else does in the league – if we win our game against Scum we win Div 5 A. Last year we couldn’t even win a sympathy sh@g. What a difference a year makes – Without les bleus stinking up the place with their “hon hi hon he hons” we adopted another minority group that nobody likes – les gingers. A ginge is used to being an outcast – a ginge lives with an inferiority complex all it’s life but if you show one a little kindness – a spark of interest and consideration – you never know – you might just make a difference to an otherwise sad lonely existence – you might even feel good about yourself for helping what the bible describes as “the lame and the halt.” Just remember to wash your hands afterwards.

We have built a squad this season that has relied on the dedication of many to a common cause – a cause that many thought was as fanciful as the search for the Golden Fleece. But they didn’t reckon on Weasel and his Gingernauts. OK so this really is scraping the barrel but fuk me you have a go at trying to write these things. Meatloaf was out to prove a point – the point being that the same way as you don’t spend 20 yrs in the album charts by luck you don’t destroy every front row you come up against by being a pussy. However it was time for him to record one final track for his Greatest Hits collection spanning his career in the league. And what a belter – he saved the double gatefold ltd edition white vinyl ep for his Scum oppo (I know there will be some people who don’t know what a double gatefold, white vinyl is – you youngsters – well it’s like a cd, but much bigger, harder to store and easy to break / scratch and warp – whatever were we thinking back in the day?) Pat “Tonka Toy” B at hooker with 3 hrs sleep and a hangover from hell had prepared well for today – nothing makes him angrier than a mouth like a badger’s ar$e and gut rot – oh to have been head to head with him! Waffle was still combing police out of his beard but frothing at the mouth at the opportunity before him to post a the proverbial burning newspaper full of sh!t through the letterbox at Scum central.

At second row we had Paddy “sponsored by the Flying Pan” Shepherd and Alan “who needs 2 collar bones anyway” G both out to show that ugliness is no barrier to bringing back the biff. Tony “rosco p coltraine” was at 7 – he is like richie mcaw – only not as big, strong, fit, skillful or kiwi. Apart from that it’s uncanny. At 6 we had Craig “more important than Matt at work” back for another shot at glory and at 8 was Colin “I put the fo in mofo” Kelly – this guy is da bomb – imagine a cage match with triple H, the undertaker, the hardy boys, the hart foundation, the bushwhackers, hacksaw jim duggan, boris I mean rakishi and then our very own ultimate warrior with a cold Colin Kelly (lets call him The Sniffin Griffin) It would be carnage with the Sniff showing these boys that it takes more than a chair “subtly” hidden under the stage or a step ladder made of “Alooominum” to beat our hero (can I have that $100 now mate)

At 9 like an ever present thing that’s always around we had Hugh “I had m first comb over while you were still in short trousers sonny” G in his final game of the season before he foolishly jets off to Japan to audition for a part in the movie “Shaolin Rugby.” At 10 we had Recon Tom – still as pale and pasty as ever but like any ginger kid playing a team sport – just happy to be there. He gets sunburn indoors so how he was going to get through this we had no idea but it was time to put his claims of having played fly half to the test. And like a true Griffs fly half he took the ball into the opposition back row a lot. Outside him was Dazzla “The Chocolatier” OB – it’s clear that his chocolate only diet is a little heavy on the calorie side but you have to admire his dedication – half time mars bars might not be to everybody’s liking. The Kaiser was at 13 and had something to prove today in that he is not the one trick pony, lack of imagination, all mouth and no trousers that his wife would lead you to believe. The Kaiser has added a powerful running game to his normal game of “don’t touch my face” and is clearly adapting to it well. Woody “I see slow people” was on one wing – ready to burn rubber on Scum’s synthetic pitch. Bernie “the man from Del Monte he say yeah” was on the other wing – prepared to put rugby before a wedding – unlike JP who left us last year in order to stop playing rugby because he wanted to get married but was in denial – you know you were you ba$tard! Bernie plays like car that’s really quick. And I mean really quick! Weasel was at 15 – he more than most has born the weight of responsibility for the Griffs this season and it is with no small amount of humility that I say he couldn’t have done it without me. Weasel is an accountant – take away a couple of As and Ts an N and an O and there you have it – cryptic but right in front of you all the time and you didn’t even see it – you just thought it.

And so to the game - basically we were awarded a penalty – Recon stepped up and looking every bit the ginger outcast that he is this but this was his chance to repay all our ginger faith. He slotted it like a guy who’s social life depended on it 3-0 to the Griffs. We essentially then spent the next 20 minutes not defending the ruck and not picking up their runners – maybe it was for Kevin from Kowloon’s benefit so that he might go home and think we’d blown it – but whatever it was we found ourselves 3-14 down. It was going to take a heck of an effort to dig ourselves out of this one. But little did Scum suspect the sh!t storm that was about to break over them. We sucked it in and headed forward at a rapid rate – with a raft of penalties until within striking distance of the Scum tryline Recon did what all ginger centres turned fly half do – he went and broke his fibula near their line – causing a long delay and giving Scum time to regroup. And gingers wonder why they get such a bad press?

Kevin “the Chinese Hoff” replaced the ginger prince and demonstrated his versatility behind the scrum – gutsy and feisty you want this guy on your side when it all goes off because he’ll create a diversion while you run away. Well Chocolatier to the rescue – make way for the Candy Man as Dazzla powered over the line to bring us back to 8-14 and we got the conversion 10-14. After half time we made some changes – Rob “I became a pilot to get my brown wings” and Seb “I prefer chicken wings” Owen to do what they do best – rampage! We began to counter and Jackie picked up a loose ball and ran right round their team to dance down the touchline and score under the posts – up stepped our new fly half Kevin to make the kick – 17-14 to griffs. Scum stormed back and scored to make it 17-19. We slotted a penalty to make it 20-19. Boyo Parsons turned up to play a pivotal kicking game in the latter part of the match which gave us much needed territory. And then after another of these searching kicks Woody as he has done all season chased the kick and pressured them into a mistake under the posts which is when the Chocolatier pounced – 25-19 to the Griffs. Mask “no compromise” and Terrence “ninja powers” backed up well on back row which was led from the front by Colin all game. Matt “less important than Craig at work” got a chance to do the salsa a few times and Jason “silent but violent” set a centre partnership that shut Scum down. Great to see Jason in Griff Biff mode. Mna of the Season points Colin 3, Hugh 2, Kevin 1

So we did it – we beat scum and won the league – no real celebrations yet though as we enter the play offs but we won this as a squad and we need to support one another as a squad going forwards. There will be a griffs session on Thursday 5th at training – the chosen 22 will be expected to attend – as Jim Telfer said – this is our fukin Everest boys.