Griffins 42 - 5 Regent

For those of you who have had the good fortune to be in Amazonia to see the singer in the warm up band you will know that God exists and he is a man with great taste. For those of you who wondered whatever happened to Meatloaf – wonder no more – for he is alive and well and playing in the front row of the Griffs. Saturday vs Regent Pioneer was to be a true test of our ability to overcome the Xmas excesses that have been our downfall in previous seasons. Regent were a local team – similar in make up to our biting fighting friends at Tai Po, and although less experienced we knew that they’d be fit and determined – their points difference was similar to ours showing that although they’d lost more games they’d managed to do so by very few points.

But Saturday was about more than a rugby match – it was a prelude to the opportunity to say farewell to 2 of the Griffs stalwarts – one, Arthur, who is moving to Singapore and Charlie who is getting married and therefore has ended his life as he knows it. And some old ba$tard called Arrann “Is it ok if I wear a skirt?” Young was celebrating his 37th birthday. One of the things that has underpinned the success of the Griffs this season has been its ability to perform off the pitch as well as on it and we all wanted to ensure that we finished this first part of the season before the leagues split with another victory.

We turned up early and went through what was probably one of the slackest warm ups we’ve done all year. In times gone by the Griff’s warm up consisted of 10 pints and a kebab the night before followed by a paperless sh!t in a squatter bog 3 mins before kick off. However this season we’ve generally given ourselves half an hour to get the blood circulating and get rid of the dropsies. The pack to be fair to them went through the motions of the line out and some scrums but the backs (myself included) dropped everything and were pretty half hearted in our approach – and it could have cost us dearly had we not had half a season’s worth of consistent play. We have to make sure this doesn’t become a habit!

Luckily my fears proved to be unfounded – the pack tore into Regent from the start and some good driving by Shotgun Winston (our Jamaican Yardie prop), backed up by Waffle “Beard of Woe” and Boris “yum yum in my tum” Neirsteiner set up some quick ball. Hugh “to me are everything the sweetest song that I could sing – oh baby” fed Snakehips “Strictly Ballroom” who passed it to Arrann “please don’t injure me” Young who with his first touch of the ball in a Valley shirt this season delivered a lesson in finishing – not for him the side step – not for him the jink – oh no – with a cry of “make way pregnant woman on board” he ambulanced his way through a mass of Regent players before planting the ball under the posts and pausing only to call the fire brigade to put the flames out on the still burning earth where he’d scorched over. Snakehips converted – 7-0 to Griffs.

There followed a period of sustained pressure from the Griffs as our pack asserted their dominance in the tight – with Arthur “leaving on a jetplane” Van D and Spudgun “more beef than an oxo cube” Bolton as ever proving to be a force that even nature wouldn’t mess with setting up quick ball and Colin “it’s sublime time” Kelly romping, nay, cavorting up the pitch making it clear that he was back in business, juggling before regathering and also scoring under the posts which Snakehips converted. As sure as sh!t stinks this guy will ctach you with your pants down, exploit you and make you ask politely for more – when he’s on his game Colin is a rock – yes I spelt that right – and his pick and go from the base of the scrum probably gives us an extra 10metres every time he does it – quite literally a banker for us.

From the following kick off the pack did the daily grind and continued to make ground with Tony “going loco down in Acapulco” proving that Americans aren’t just good at fukking things up – but like a typical American he caused havoc everywhere. Now let’s spare a moment to look at Tony – barely taller than a blade of grass and lighter than a fart he regularly plays hooker and openside flanker sometimes filling in at centre. And even though he wears his socks rolled down “because Johnny Clarke does and I love him” he is truly beginning to find his game. Backed up by Tim “Kaiye Muthfuka” Yip at blindside these two made about 40 metres before earning us a penalty under the posts which Snakehips dispatched again 20-0 to the Griffs. Now the Yipster came of age in this game – having restricted himself to a 90 minute weights workout on the morning of the game he was feeling fresh and he was into everything – it was like having a heavier, stronger Jason Calvert before he remembered he could says Je suis un Bronco au revoir. And rightly so Tim’s performance deserves the much coveted 3 Man of the Season points – but please Tim keep your shirt on til we get into the changing rooms – you make the rest of us look like lardy, pasty skinned old men.

From the resulting 22 drop out Hugh “the little old guy from Benny Hill that Benny keeps slapping on his baldie head” took quick ball, earned a penalty, took a quick tap and got over for another score. I heard some of the Regent players say that they let him score out of reverence for an old man. Snakehips missed the conversion but Griffs went in 25-0 up at half time. It’s worth mentioning that Arrann “hit me anywhere but not my face” didn’t get injured during the first half.

The second half started with a serious blitz by the pack – knocking 7 shades of the brown stuff out of their forwards and with such constant pressure it was inevitable that James “Boyo” Parsons fresh from his part in a Made for Wales TV Comedy pilot called “Llllangarringolgotherymacliticklycough” in which he played the part of Gryndyl a lonely shepherd who’s wife runs off with a goat and finds himself on his uppers, hanging out at the local sheep pen, drinking sheep dip and overdosing on worming tablets. Anyway that James…he scores out wide – great to have him back because when he’s on his game he’s so mercurial he’s like a liquid metal that doesn’t stick to stuff” Out wide Woody “Faast and Furious” chased everything and demonstrated why he’s been called up to the National U18s squad – he avoids being tackled like Liptak avoids the bar when it’s his round. Bernie “now you see me now you don’t” is like the Yipster’s quicker, scrawnier younger brother who’s been forced to eat card board while big bro guzzles power shakes. He’s obviously gotten that speed from avoiding big bro chasing him when trying to put his jock strap on his head. Anyway – Bernie was as usual swift as a cheetah and more cunning than a fox and was more nails in the tackle than a box of nails from a DIY store. At full back we had to resort to a man who is to catching a rugby ball what George Bush was to foreign travel – a complete anomaly – yep it was the Wease – who has developed a rather cunning ploy to deal with the high ball – let it bounce and let Woody or Bernie pick it up and run with it. However it’s when it comes to tackle time that this little ferret like chappie really makes his presence felt – like a whippet that still remembers what it was like to chase rabbits but is too old to chase cows he covers the ground at pace narrowing angles and making like the opposition is trying to steal his favorite calculator as he crushes them.

Kevin “the future is bright the future is Kevin” was a great replacement for Hugh – mainly because he’s a lot younger, fitter and stronger – and has a more accurate pass and in no time at all he was smacking the forwards on the ar$e and calling the shots like a seasoned pro – this is what Griff’s depth is all about this year. Dazzla came on and showed that despite an obvious aversion to dieting he still has what it takes to bust some moves and after good driving work by Seb “I hear Manila’s nice this time of year” Owen who had clearly missed handing out the biff as he drove mercilessly into Regent, and Paddy “that ain’t a tackle – BOSH – now that’s a tackle sunshine – here I think this tooth is yours” Shepherd cleared a path for Snakehips to jink and combine in a one two with Dazzla to make a truly awesome score under the posts – 32-0 to Griffs. The Kaiser came on and did his trademark jiggle – avoiding tackles – taking care not to injure his face ahead of the wedding whilst still putting the hits in and defending like his wedding night oats depended on it.

Yet again Ben "i'm only 17 but she was a beauty queen if you know what i mean" continued to get stuck in and revelled in the freedom to maim and destroy. Sean “I am the Eggman” A was like a man with a keg looking for a party and boy did he party today – snacking on little Regent players as he showed that despite having trained pre season for a triathlon you can’t fight mother nature and win! Rob “I know I don’t have a moustache but I’m still a pilot” put on a show of such driving force on the back row that any other match report would have given him the nickname “the snowplow” scattering Regent snow everywhere as he cleared a path for the rest to follow – however he is a pilot without a tache. A Griff’s newcomer Alan “ok so I wear tights to training but that doesn’t make me a poof” Goodare fronted up in the pack and showed that even Kiwi’s who don’t have DIY compass and biro tatts on their arms / legs can still be useful players – the pace of a back row and the looks of a second row – he’s a true Griff already. Stop press Nic “the Petronas towers used to be the tallest thing in Asia til I arrived” took the ball into a huddle of Regent players and in a comedy moment stood up – at leat a foot taller than them and batted them left right and centre – think Gulliver’s travels and the Lilliputians. Classic

There then followed a momentary lapse pf concentration as Regent reminded us that if we gave them a sniff of a chance they’d take and they scored out wide after we’d committed too many people to the break down. 37-5 to Griffs. Robert “willow the whisp” Sit proved to be huge in the tackle out wide and Eddie “pocket rocket” at full back basically shut the door on Regent – even though he weighs about the same as my left nut nobody can get past him, through him or over him – he too like Jackie has a great future ahead of him. A final bout of sustained pressure from the pack saw some space out wide for the Woodmeister to get over for a well deserved try – final score 42-5. Other Man of the Season points as decided by Weasel – Dom 2 points – a total star – clearly in his last few games in a Griff’s shirt he’s keen to make them all count. Arrann 1 point – he / I scored a try, put two of their players off the pitch, fell over and cut my knees when nobody was anywhere near me and didn’t get injured.

Our highest victory in 3 seasons and secured 3rd spot in the league and confirming our place in the top flight. The night out was a stormer – good luck to Arthur – you’ll be missed until Manila! Good luck to the Kaiser and Mrs Kaiser. Good luck with your piles me. Just to clarify the Meatloaf thing – Winton in Amazonia was like Meatloaf in Dead Ringer for love video – it was like he had a backing band and the Angel behind him was a backing singer or a much fitter version of Cher – he’s my tip for the one to watch in Manila if there’s a microphone…he feels every word and lives every note like it could be the last one he hears 