Griffins 3 - 0 Cway Bay

If Oliver Reed were alive today he’d be a Tradition Valley Griff. If ever there was a man that represented what the Griffs are all about it was him. He had the hair, the looks, the fashion and the success with the ladies that summed up an era. He could also polish off the odd beer or two. And let’s face it – when you look at the current Griffs side you can’t help but think that we too have the hair (Recon Tom) and the looks (Weasel) and the fashion (Paddy) and the success with the ladies (Private Ryan) As for being able to polish off the odd beer or two – well maybe Spudgun Bolton can claim that accolade even if as a fellow spudmuncher it is 80% genetic.

So with such fearsome credentials we took to the field against Cway Bay – not to be confused with Whitley Bay in the Northeast of England or Summer Bay off the telly. It was the first game of the newly formed Div 5 A – yep we’d only gone and flipping well made the big time after spending last season standing under the stairs of the league and looking up the other team’s skirts.

For the first time ever we didn’t have 80 players – but Cway Bay appeared to have brought 1st Battalion Welsh Guards with them – as the ref called us together I counted 38 of the fukkers! We had 17. So keeping with the spirit of the season and seeing as how other teams had let us use rolling subs til the cows came home I asked the ref to limit it to 22 players – all’s fair in love and rugby etc. We drew 10-10 with these guys last time out – now to set the record straight.

In temperatures that saw some of Weasel’s plastic surgery melting and Recon Tom’s ginger DOMINANT genes highlighted beyond dispute we set about ripping them a new one. Up front there has never been such a scene of total domination unless you count that Dungeon bar in Bangkok where you need a gimp mask and a cue ball to get in. Meatloaf was clearly looking for an excuse to do anything for love – Griff love – tough love and boy did they get to know what it was like to be his Biatch. The kind of hand off only a Wan Chai pro could give saw the ruin of many a poor boy and the rest were hovered up by our very own George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine Boris “yodalayayhee” at hooker who showed that there ain’t no cookies left in the cookie jar – he fronted up big time and really made some telling hits as the Cway pack tried to keep it tight. Waffle was as usual like a man who’s just found out that beards are g@y after spending the last 10 yrs growing one – an angry man. A prop with a flanker’s pace, a centre’s hands, a fly half’s vision and a g@y beard. He was beyond description even by me and I’ve been on a description course! I have to keep reminding myself that here is a guy who up until this year thought it was ok to have 11 players on the pitch during a 10s game. Forget those Kooga t shirts that say made for rugby – they should rebrand as Waffle – Made for Rugby. At second row we had Spudgun Bolton – he only ever interrupts his Guinness drinking to slap some pretenders to the ground before making it clear that he can get you a good deal on a piece of real estate that’s just come onto the market if you’re interested – at least come and have a look to improve his viewing figures. What I love about Spudgun’s game is that from the moment the whistle blows he adopts this look that says “I’m totally knackered” and yet he starts to dish out the Ulster Fry in a physical sense. Sean Prince of P.Burgos was alongside him all the way – leaping like duvet being fart wafted – he took every line out ball that came his way and it must be noted that this included at least 40% of theirs. Seriously all that helium he was inhaling before the game must have paid off – you’ve never seen someone as big boned get so high – the lifting in our pack was first class all day and our throwing for the most part was superb. The back row was a mixture of youth, pace and skill – Paddy at number 8 was the youngest so guess which bit he was – Paddy is somewhat of an anomaly – he has a girl’s shoulders and the legs of a minotaur – I’ve met his old man and neither trait is obvious so who knows what his mum looks like  What was obvious was the way in which he took it to them from the first whistle – driving forward ruck after ruck and making ground every time. Think Dean Richards only not…Tim “more buff than an all you can eat buffet” supplied the pace – for someone who was until recently playing that sport that was invented by men who like other men’s bottoms – hockey I think it’s called – he is one of the finds of the season and we’ll be forever grateful to Beefcake Baker for the referral! Tim plays like the ball is a protein shake – he’s all over it – and today he added another dimension to his game – turnovers – on their ball – I swear they were sick of him by the end of the game – his pace and strength at the breakdown is awesome. Tony “OK so my shorts are a 40” waist and I’m a 30” Scaramanga gave another faultless display of, dedicated to the cause, put your body on the line for the good of the team, rugby. As the lightest hooker I’ve ever met in my life this guy has adapted fantastically well to playing openside – think Calvert but without fat…as he said to me “wherever you need a warm body just put me there.” Yes it does make you think doesn’t it?

Hugh “I might just squeeze into a Valley Fort shirt” was as commanding at 9 as I’ve ever seen him – a day when despite carrying a serious knock he sucked it up and gave a passing display that would have made Bergamsco cry – sometimes he forgets he’s a scrum half and hits like a flanker – pound for pound I think he hits harder than most in our league – what an asset he’s been all season! Snakehips making his penultimate appearance in a Valley shirt was majestic – indeed this season Dom is a different player completely – it must be something to do with that Jonny Wilkinson DVD he found in the $1 bargain bin at HMV. His tactical kicking (yep no kick and hope for our Snakehips) was sublime and his running lines were just mesmeric. Dazzla “it’s lockdown in centre midfield and I’m the prison guard with the keys?” O’Brien playing with a broken finger (not his courting one) ran hard all day – so hard in fact that at one point even the ref asked him to finish himself off because it was off putting for the other team and must have been chaffing against his shorts. I could hear him shouting DEE-FENCE in the annoying way that Americans do and it put Cway Bay right off their A-TACK. At outside centre we had Recon Tom – the only person to suffer sunstroke in 15 degree heat it’s fair to say that whilst more at home on the ice flows of Scandanavia he overcame his fear of the sun and showed that he has the sort of tactical awareness normally reserved for players of a much higher grade and that the rumors of his ability to be able to play at 10 might not just be a Norse myth.

The Kaiser was playing his last game as a free man – Mrs Kaiser to be had said mind your face and if you break anything I’ll fukking kill you by way of encouragement as he left the flat. Charlie’s quite deceptive for a winger – he’s not very quick and nor is he particularly elusive as a runner but somehow he defies these seemingly impossible odds and always gets the slow winger with two left feet opposite him on the pitch and they make him look every bit the player he isn’t. Actually he is pretty quick – working at a Korean girl school does that for a man because the police just aren’t as liberal in their attitude to perving as they used to be. Today was all about his defence though and despite the scabbiest knees in the business he hit everything that came his way and even went looking for some more. Woody “I run therefore I am” was on the other wing – a kick is only as good as its chase and today we saw the kind of chasing that turned great kicks into exceptional kicks – with hardly any chances with ball in hand Woody made his tactical awareness show through and gassed it all day. Weasel was at full back – if there was an award for most improved player of the season I’d ask Weasel to present it. Weasel comes from the let it bounce once and see what happens school of full back play – not to be confused with JP’s throw it to the fly half and make sure it bounces once school of scrum half play. Both guarantee the sh!ts for his team mates but when it comes off it really looks like he planned it. Today we saw a glimpse of the Weasel of old – the Weasel who sacrificed his boyish good looks the day he came to Valley put in a try and in fact game saving tackle face first like a missile finding it’s target or Spudgun finding the bar his aim was true – it even looked as though he’d managed to get concussed and then he disappointed us by regaining his feet and playing on.

Subs wise Seb “Cheung King Mansions” came on to the wing late in the game and chased well whilst Woody’s mate Hor was a great addition to the pack – having trained earlier in the day with HK U18s – these young Chinese guys really are heading towards a very bright future in the game. Seb “Let’s test your pain threshold boys” was eager to dish out the kind of punishment usually reserved for American “detention centres” and made his mark early on with some great drives and it must be said some timely tackling. Then came Liptak “Truth and Justice baby” now in his 50s he showed that he still has the pace that it takes to get penalized for being on the wrong side and hasn’t realized that we’ve been playing the new ELVs all season (senile dementia no doubt) however at a time when we needed a body to throw at the wire he bravely stuck his hand up and sacrificed himself – if you find an unexploded grenade call this guy – he’ll dive on it for you and still thank you for the opportunity. A character and a credit to the Griff’s ethos of if you can’t eat it or drink it fuk it. Fai Man “big man in a small package” is a throw back to old style props – vertically challenged, aesthetically challenged and a total salad dodger he does the dirty bits well – gets stuck in and puts his face where angels fear to tread and we lost nothing in the dominance of our scrum when he came on because it was already uncontested! Private Ryan managed to pull himself away from his fiancé long enough to let the blood flow to the other parts of his body that make him function when he’s standing up and as photos have shown he is quickly turning into the kind of player we hoped a 7ft 9” colossus could be – fee fi fo fum he boomed scattering Cway players left and right as he took it to them. Kevin "Odd Job" was like a limpet on their scrum half all the time - the guy couldn't even take a sh!t after the game because Kevin was still on his back - what we lose in experience when Hugh goes off we really make up for in youth and skill when Kevin comes on :-)

And so to the game – Dom kicked an early penalty to put us 3-0 up. And that was the final score. OK a bit more – our forwards won every scrum including theirs – destroyed their front row to the extent that the cheating scabby fukkers went to uncontested scrums at half time despite 3 more grades worth of props on the side line. We won all our line out and a lot of theirs. We just totally rocked up front. In the back line we created a number of opportunities but to be honest it was the defensive effort of our backs that pleased me so much today – not even Chuck Norris could have made it through our line – well maybe from Missing in Action 3 but not the first 2. Man of the Season points – well it has to be 3 to Tony – unbelievable game mate. 2 points to Hugh – despite injuries he really put it in for us and 1 point to Recon Tom for marshalling the defence so well. Everybody else deserves a mention for the best defensive display I’ve seen since we beat Scum last season and the kind of teamwork and effort for one another that makes me wish I was out there more often so I could write good things about myself. Thanks to Andy and Alan for coming along to support – the latter thinking he was playing until he tweaked his shoulder during a Boris style warm up – only to find later that it was in fact fractured. I think it was this game where my new catchphrase “Every time referee” was coined – every time the referee blew his whistle against them…even for the water break…