Griffins 25 - 5 Polis

So here we are again – Police – ironic that those charged with maintaining law and order off the pitch are such a bunch of dirty cheating ba$tards on it. In fact I’d go so far as to say that Weasel told me to say that and I would happily supply his address to the authorities if they wanted to speak to him about this opinion which is solely his own and in no way represents my own feelings towards them. Kunts.

Last time out saw the Griffs win 15-14 – to say they were somewhat aggrieved at the result is like saying Weasel is benching for Matt Philips next week. Up front we are blessed with talent and backed up by Paddy. Seriously though we had Meatloaf showing that so long as you’ve got rock n roll in your heart anything is possible. Last time we played them the Loaf gave a refereeing masterclass – each sentence started with “I say old boy would you mind terribly if I pointed something out which has been niggling me whilst packing down with chummo there?” The old Scottish props for Polis were beside themselves at his accent, his quiff and his claims to have slept with Cher and that the reason she is missing a couple of ribs is because he woke up hungry one night and ate them. Anyway Meatloaf kept his opinions to himself and let his rugby do the talking. He was easily our best prop at the start of the season – before we converted Waffle from a Belgian into a rugby player and I think it is this competition that has seen the Loaf raise his game to an even higher level. Meatloaf is the rugby equivalent of a karaoke avalanche to play against – painful and unstoppable! (I’m quite proud of that description)

Waffle was propping on the other side – is there nothing he can’t do other than stand a bit closer to the razor – I was watching him walk the other day and he walks a bit like a fat bird – I’m dreading the day he shaves that beard off and puts a bra on after showering – like a rugby Crying Game! Run awayyyyyyyyyy…..Waffle has the basic attributes of a great prop – vertically challenged, the kind of face only a mother could love and the grace of hippo in a mosh pit. For such a quietly spoken guy he is extremely destructive in both the loose and tight – it’s great to watch him and Meatloaf have their own personal battle for the most metres carried, tackles busted and pies eaten. At hooker we had an old friend of the Griffs and ultimate Manila tourist Alex “when you said Police and Hooker I thought I was in trouble” – Alex has the heart of a lion, the strength of an elephant and the face of a horse’s ar$e – all the tools necessary for the position. He was tireless around the pitch, never shirking his responsibilities and dogged and enthusiastic in everything he did – a fine example of a club player and I’m not referring to those w@nkers on Sport Road.

Sean “damn right I’m going to fuk you up in I get the chance” A was at second row – proving that if the jumpers get it right that even an old ba$tard can get up high and look good. He must have claimed over 70% of our lineout ball this season and like a thieving pikey gypo he must have robbed a fair % of opposition ball. What we have lost in bulk and hair in Arthur and Guido we have gained in cynicism with Sean – he does not like to lose anything – everything is a battle – I once saw him trip Weasel up on the way to the showers so he wouldn’t have to wait! Sean was paired with Private Ryan who we were able to use to block out the sun during the first half. This guy is so tall that his last summer job was cleaning the windows on IFC without a hoist. We’ve all been waiting to see just what would happen if he brought even a half eaten can of whup a$$ with him to a game and today we got a glimpse of the devastation that he can wreak. Not even the water cannon Police used could stop him – he picked it up and carried it like a Super Soaker 500 and looked like an extra in a low budget Japanese Godzilla type movie. Back row saw Tony “I’m not getting thinner – everyone else is getting fatter” Hi Caramba at openside – we got him some Valley Fort socks but even they fell down around his ankles. Imagine Phil Waugh in Peter Stringer’s body but not in a g@y way and that’s Tony for you. Never one to make up the numbers Tony just dishes out the good news all day long. With Tim “something for the ladies” at blindside we have seen the number of women at our games steadily increase to 2. They will tell you that they’re here to support their boyfriends or husbands but the reality is that when Tim takes his top off there’s an audible intake of breath and not just from the rest of us sucking our guts in but from the ladies who are offering him water or their ar$e. Tim just smiles politely, does a double lat spread and plays the spoons on his abs. Paddy was at 8 – a position that calls for pace, power, athleticism, guile and a high degree of technical ability – yep you’re right we were desperate. Paddy was a lot slimmer today having had his wife administer the Veet to his back and shoulders and it was obvious that this had freed him up to get around the pitch clearing out in a very uncompromising fashion. “who’s the fat hairy kunt now?” he was heard to shout as he totaled one of their fat old, hairy players – “you are” we all replied.

Hugh “and for lunch today I will be serving pain with a side order of hurt” G at scrum half is like an extra openside flanker but with a worse pass. He hits like a steam train and is back on his feet competing for the ball like Brian ODriscoll who’s nickname is Bod – a coincidence when you consider that Hugh looks like the British cartoon character also called Bod who has no hair and once said in an unreleased episode “football club are tw@ts.” James “Boyo, fair play, jones, dai, reece, zeta jones was my sister’s best friend at school in pontybrynntolcraeghllnadybody” P at 10 played a very different game to Snakehips – he missed all his kicks…James is a great running fly half with a huge boot on him who tackles well and goes blind a lot whilst keeping the ball open, kicking long and the odd chip ahead (just trying to confuse Kevin from Kowloon) At inside centre we had Darren “liposuction” O’B demonstrating once again that rugby is a game for players of all shapes and sizes and that even a fat kid can be good at something when he grows up. Dazzla is a stepping, jinking, sidestepping centre in a crash centres body – a low grade crash centre’s body. However he is consistently never in the man of the season points because he says that what he contributes doesn’t appear on the radar – who’s he trying to kid – when you’re that big you’re the first thing that appears on the effing radar sonshine. Recon Tom at outside centre shows that our depth in pace in the back line is limited to our wingers. He covers ground more by osmosis than by running and has been described more often as flaccid rather than turgid. However our equal opportunities policy in the Griffins means that we include him as our minority ginger and despite our initial misgivings he has proved that being ginger doesn’t mean you can’t pass even if it does seem to inhibit your tackling ability.

Bernie “roundhouse” K out wide showed that the afterburners are still working – he has come looking for work all season and has added a harder edge to his running and some steel to his kick returns as he gets stuck in. It’s unusual for someone so old to be so quick but avoiding the inland revenue for the last 4 yrs has made him more streetwise and especially slippery when it comes to the authorities. Woody (who has changed his name officially to Go Woody Go) like Bernie has more gas than a Russian pipeline. I swear he gets bigger and faster every week! He puts the chase in kick chase. He is the original gangster when it comes to impact out wide and long may he continue to wear the Valley shirt. Just like there can be only one Highlander we should be thankful that there can be only one Weasel. I personally think that they broke the mould before they made Weasel and realized they had run out of moulds and stuck bits of broken ones together to make him  Look up “Griffin” on the internet and you’ll see a lion, eagle type thing. Now try and draw one and it’ll look more like Weasel. Since he’s moved to fullback the number of penalties we get pinged for has dropped 80% which shows that he has improved our performance this season a great deal! Never one to trouble the top of the try scorer’s table Weasel is without doubt a stand out member of this squad – never asking more of his fellow players than he’s willing to give himself unless you include that time when he wanted those sp3rm samples from us before he bought the Scum captain a jug of milkshake last season. Just like when he’s playing he will leave a huge gap at the back when he departs for Oz.

Following quick ball generated by our pack Recon put Woody in space and the rest was a foregone conclusion – he gassed the oppo and scored 5-0 Griffs. After some ping pong kicking we get a scrum in their 22 – the pack just serves Police up their own balls on a plate and Waffle breaks away to score – the scenes following his first try for Valley were similar to that of a Brazilian footballer who lifts his shirt above his head and runs around screaming. Except that Waffle’s shirt was too tight to lift all the way up so he just ended up lifting it up to his armpits like a typical mainlander does with his tshirt during the summer exposing his gut for all to see. Old skool! 10-0 Griffs. Then in a throw back to last season we went to sleep briefly and Police drove hard and fast gaining a quick score. 10-5 Griffs. After a few home truths we knuckle down and Waffle hanging out on the wing like the try line hogger that he is and pops a pass to Bernie to score. 15-5 griffs. Jackie “call me the Chan man” slotted in for Weasel at 15 with Tony showing his versatility by moving to hooker. We keep them pinned down in their half through some great tactical kicking by Boyo Parsons (yep the Griffs doing tactical kicking – whatever next – Paddy on the wing?!) Waffle picked up the ball 40 metres out and well the rest as they say is history – let Waffle tell you about it in his own words “Well eet iz like zis – I wurz eating the pies on ze wing and somewun gave me zer ball. I sought tu myself it eez time I start to play ze rugbee no? so I run like ze winde – I can ear wun of zem shouting stop ze bearded lardy boy but I am a man not a lardy boy – I even have my own c@ck and an adam’s apple. Zeese pigs are like dogs and I wave my g3nitals in zeir general direction. So I run round ze running track 8 times and thru ze clubhouse stopping only to drink ze stella artois (eet is French peese not like my homebrew called monk’s gusset juice) and I beat sree of zem to score ze try. Zen I gave zem ze finger.” I couldn’t have put it any better myself Waffle! Kevin “when will the mullet come back in fashion so I can grow mine again?” came on for hugh and Lippy “truth and justice baby” replaced the Buffmeister. Lippy is like that old dependable family pet – the dog you got as a puppy that became your best friend while you were growing up and who you shared so much with – your first kiss – he didn’t mind you knocking one out while he was in the room etc. But old age catches up with him while you enter the prime of your life – suddenly he can’t race you up the stairs any more – he can’t tug the rube ring without you fearing for his teeth and he can barely muster up the energy to hump a visitor’s leg any more – you know it’s cruel to keep him going but you don’t have the heart to put him down – any spark of life he show you just encourage him to keep on going boy! Lippy is that dog except he wears a scrum cap not a pair of dungarees and we don’t carry him around in a YSL box bag. Robert “I only have white shorts” came on to the wing and Ben “godzooki”came into second row. Andy “the finger” was put into space out wide and scored his first try for Valley – not many can say they did that against Poice! Griffs win 25-5.

Man of the season points Waffle 3, Paddy 2 for services rendered, Andy 1 for his first try.

Awesome squad effort boys – one away from the league – it’s up to us!!!!!