Griffins 10 - 7 Kowloon Beavers

Sometimes it’s hard to find inspiration – a starting point for these write ups. Especially last year when we were basically having seven shades of the smelly stuff kicked out of us but this season there is no such problem. Fresh from a resounding, comprehensive 3-0 rout of Cway Bay last week we were faced with a top of the table clash with Kowloon – to the victors the bragging rights for at least a week – something that would send certain members of Valley all misty eyed and wibbly wobbly top lipped as they recounted tales of when the Griffs were a potent force both on and off the field.

A solid warm up and good numbers set us up for a good start – or at least you would have thought it would. However we sat back and waited to see what the 657 players Kowloon had amassed could throw at us before we set our stall out. And as befits a team at the top of the league they threw a real sh!t storm at us and scored first before converting to take the lead 7-0. Now the Griffs were ready to play. And to be fair – play we did.

Meatloaf took it upon himself to show that even though the mullet has been replaced by a quiff of public school proportions – he still rocks! He played with a style and grace more befitting of a dancer than someone who is in league with the Pie Devil. And so like a bat out of hell he hit the Valley dusty highway on a silver black phantom bike metaphorically speaking and tackled like a demon. We all know he can run with the ball and he did ensure that the little Cway Bay winger cannot father children after a monster hit last week but this was always going to be a game won on defence and taking our chances in attack. Boris “make mine a slimline tonic” is lasting longer and longer and soon we hope that he transfers that out of the bedroom and onto the pitch. He was deadly accurate at lineouts and showed exactly why Higgie was enquiring about his residency status last week. In my humble opinion he has what it takes to go all the way – to be the face of Big Ernies. Guesting at prop we were lucky enough to have Pat “I think I misunderstood when you said play and Beaver” who was only around for a half before going to work – as long as there’s people like Pat around the sickening move towards mobile props with great hands and 58 bpm resting heart rates will never happen.

At second row we had Sean “no half measures” A who hasn’t taken a backward step all season. Known to the rest of the Griffs affectionately as “Grandad” this is one old dog that refuses to lie down and sleep. In fact maybe he was always this good but we never really gave him the opportunity to show it but this season is by far the best I’ve seen him have in a Valley shirt. Packing down with him was Spudgun Bolton – plucked from obscurity as a potato farmer in Ballycabbage , watching queer fellas playing Bogball, Spudgun was reared by two old Leprechauns called Padraig and Rory, fed on a diet of turnip soup and Guinness he joined the Valley faithful and the ranks of the Griffins – a match made in heaven. At 8 we had Colin. To say that Colin is a good player is like saying that Sean Murphy has been poached to play for Scum next year. Every time he pulls the Valley jersey on Colin embodies all that is great about being a Griff – for every second he’s on that pitch he just gets stuck into anything in an opposition shirt. Today he said he was “a bit out of shape” and couldn’t be relied on to contribute a great deal. So I chose to ignore him, put him in to start – I mean come on – it’s Colin for fuk’s sake – every time he gets the ball I can hear the 6 million Dollar man music going off in my head as he gets all bionic on the oppositions a$$. A tower of strength he just went at it all day and did contribute a great deal!

Hugh “an awesome player in a erm well let’s just say a body” as usual started at 9. If Hugh was an animal he’d be a donkey – not because he’s well hung but because he does all the hard work day in day out. The 1st team have got a Wong Kee and call him Wonks – maybe the Griffs have got a Donkey and maybe we should call him Donks? His game has improved beyond belief this season – to be fair it’s not like he had a hard act to follow last year – what with JP “I’m left handed so don’t shout at me for not being able to pass to the right, or the left, or kick with my right, or my left – repeat to fade…” We owe Kevin “pocket battleship” a huge debt for coming on when he wasn’t on Mai Jais duty all of last season and this year he has added some seriously tight defence to his game and a snap to his passing that really puts a fly half on the front foot. It helps having a fly half whose timing on the pitch is as unerring as his ability to arrive at the pitch as the ref is checking that we’ve all got gumshields. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve referred to him as “fukking Dom” only to offer him any s3xual favor he would care to name when he arrives like my very own slightly overweight knight in a slightly rotund suit of armor. Today was to be his last game in a Valley shirt – possibly his last ever and we knew that if he did what he’s done all season then we’d win this one and dedicate it to him. Little was I to know that I’d be professing my manly love for him one more time…

At 12 we had Dazzla – at 102kgs he’s slimmed down a lot from last season and claims this is due mostly to falling off his bmx onto his cross bar and having to lose one of his testicles. With a history of poor ball retention like this you’d expect him to be a bit of a liability at 12 – but not Dazzla – he confided to me “Dude it’s like I’ve got this like testicle envy and I just want that ball.” He had the unenviable task of backing up Snakehips who just goes where the music takes him but he did extremely well – building on a huge defensive effort in Manila last year when he was thrown into the mix early when our first choice, and it has to be said, better looking centre, was lost to a freak career threatening injury. Dazzla didn’t shirk the nasty stuff then – mainly because the big guys ran straight at him and try as he might he wasn’t quick enough to get out of the way. Outside him we had Recon Tom – a man who left the relative luxury and safety of a long lost tribe of ginger pygmies who worshipped him as a deity – to put himself out there in the ginger firing line. Despite only having two gears and one of them reverse, Recon consistently finds the gap and if only he was slim enough to get through them he’d be an awesome player. He’ll never be Mr Bean’s body double like JP used to be but he’s living proof that you can overcome a disability like Gingerism and achieve your dreams.

On the left wing was Woody “V8” who shows that when you’ve got wheels and an engine you just need some other sh!t and you’ve got a pretty quick car. He’s got the potential to be a very special player in the future and is learning his trade quietly but effectively – both on and off the pitch! On the other wing we had Bernie “Rocky I,II &III” who seems to have spent more time training at JAB than he has at Valley. Bernie is a no nonsense type of player this season – a bit like when Scooby Doo was starting to get boring – welcome Scrappy Doo. Just when Bernie was getting bored last season on the wing – this year welcome Bernie Doo. At 15 we had Le Weasel as he’s calling himself these days. This little ferret is back in his favored position in the rear – he has made full back his life’s passion – he has devoted his life to studying the intricacies of this role and when asked who his favorite full back of all time was he was quoted as saying “Scott Hastings”

Like I said – they caught us napping and went 7-0 up. We fought back hard in the pack to make good ground with a series of quickly rucked balls and created a very difficult penalty opportunity for Snakehips out wide on the right. Kowloon were kind enough to lend us their kicking tee and Dom slotted it 3-7. Then unfortunately one of their props was taken to hospital as a precaution - they put a sign at the end of his bed that said nil by mouth but he ate it. With a shortened half we kept it going but got no spare change from the Beaver’s defence. Waffle came on for Pat in the second half. If anyone knows anything funny about Belgium let me know because I’m fukking struggling here. So here goes - like a Trappist monk who’s had too much of his own cloudy washing up liquid flavored beer the Waff came on and rolled up his cassock to show he wasn’t wearing any undies and scared the living daylights out of his opposite number – at least that’s the only way to explain why he went missing for the rest of the game. If Waffle’s c@ck looks anything like his face then you can understand why…

We really took it to them throughout the second half culminating in a great flowing move – I think it’s called “hands” and Berine scored out wide. Snakehips stepped up and yep – he kicked the extras. 10-7 Griffs. Private Ryan went on and within moments had shocked himself and everyone else by catching a high ball – Hugh told him to imagine shooting it out of the air with a shotgun – and we thought he was just doing an Ato Bolt Superman pose – but it worked – it stuck like glue and then he gave the beavers some hammer. Mask “Marauder” came on at 7 and physically dominated every one on one he had. The Mai Jais are in good hands with a captain like this. Edwin “head for heights” was back for his first game after injury and immediately won opposition ball at the lineout – a superb effort to enter such a physical game first run out back and play as though he’d never been away. Seb “you leave me no choice but to hurt you” owen went in at hooker and second row and back row and well just anywhere we needed him to. The boy loves the rough stuff – it reminds him of boarding school after the midnight feasts that the seniors put on for them pre lights out lovin. The Kaiser came on in the centres – you have to love a player like the Kaiser – he always looks like he’s just woken up when he arrives – I used to think he’d stayed in bed for an extra sh@g but he’s married now so I know it can’t be true. He strolls up nonchalantly then brings out some of the kind of fleet footed moves that would have Salsa Matt green with envy. For a self styled pretty boy the Kaiser puts his face where it hurts or where Mrs Kaiser lets him.

Then Meatloaf got sin binned for flipping a Beaver on his head. That’s what happens when you steal the Meat’s Spiderman lunchbox. Paddy came on and despite having been vomiting earlier in the day due to a mystery virus he sucked what little life there was in his opposite number out like it was an Alka Seltzer. Griffs down to 14. Then Terrence “tick tick boom” came on and added more beef to the back row before a getting yellow carded with 6 minutes to go to be fair I think he paid for some of our earlier indiscretions. Griffs down to 13 men. With 3 points separating the teams they stuck a ball up high and it came down on the Wease. Time stood still. So did my hearbeat. All my sphincters seemed to relax simultaneously as our season to date hung on old Bostik hands himself. I needn’t have worried – he took it well and then put a fukking atrocious kick up imnto the air – three feet ahead of him and like the little Wease that he is he ran straight into one of their big player and went down squealing before getting up swinging! All 656 Beavers were moist with anticipation as they thought it was a mere formality to role us over. But not this time. The guys on the pitch hung on like heroes and saw us head to the top of the table. Two games away from the play offs – all to play for!

Man of the Season points - Dom 3, Bernie 2, Waffle 1