Griffins 55 - 7 Leighton Asia HKCC Raiders

Dick of the Day - A name given to someone associated with rugby games or outings who act like a complete and utter Dick. Seriously how can someone who performs such heroics on the field at the weekend be considered a Dick when there were so many other choices. Let’s look at the main culprits Boris “mines a Vodka and slimline tonic easy on the vodka” Niethammer who missed the game completely because he got arrested for drunk driving in Pattaya. I mean are you serious even Ross’s seedy father knows that you slip the dodgy Thai cop a 1,000 baht and you’re off on your merry way. I think there’s something more sinister going here, but hey this is a PG rated report so we won’t go there. Second Ginger Tom “Tintin” Duffy who played his heart for Griffs and had nothing left in the tank when he came off the field, or so he said, as only moments later he’s playing another 65 minutes for the Mustangs, a heinous crime if ever there is one. And there’s Frederick Burger-King who must have forgotten he was playing rugby and thought he was still handing out Double Whoopers and fries to some pimply kid in a Durban back street as at least two or three times he dropped the ball and “butchered tries” that even Weasel could have caught. Lastly Paddy who decided to tell the scrum half about his time in the Territorial Army, the scrum half wasn’t having any of it so Paddy grabbed hold of him yanked him over the maul and said listen here you little f**kwit I spent 3 years hiking 50 miles a day with a 200lb pack on my back you will listen to me, thankfully the ref stepped him and rightfully handed Paddy a 10 metre fine. You see even with all these choices the final count was Paddy 1 vote Weasel 20 a travesty of justice if there ever was one. Good job Arrann “Your honour“ Young was not here as I would have told him to sit on it: you and this kangaroo court are a bunch of to**ers.
So as I had no defence here is my match report.
That period between Christmas and the Chinese New Year is just miserable in Hong Kong but hey it’s not Leeds so why am complaining and it was Saturday after all so we had another game of Rugby to look forward to. But having recently lost my boots in some dodgy back street bar in Wan Chai before Christmas I realised an hour before meet up time I needed to get some new boots so I headed off to Escapade to purchase a cheap set or so I thought. $1100 later I had boots. On the way down the steps a dark looking dude, well darker than Rosh anyway said wanna buy some stuff, what stuff you mean?, Roctane buddy was the reply, never heard of it, is it any good? Makes you run like Usain Bolt and lasts as long as a Dirk Diggler movie. So I thought what the hell as long as it doesn’t make me run to the toilet. $20 later I had my secret ingredient for the game. Arriving at So Kon Po we feasted upon a beautifully manicured lawn never before seen at a Hong Kong rugby ground, steadily players arrived and we began to warm up under the steely gaze of Cap’t Dom and Tank Commander Tony.
Upfront we had Meatloaf who has faced planted so many players in the last couple of seasons that there are lots of Chinese players running around wearing his palm prints on their faces. Joining Meatloaf is our own Belgium Frite Waffle who’s idea of a team warm up if arriving 15 minutes before kick offs and jogging around the pitch by himself. But we forgive him especially when he’s running at defences causing havoc, but even now several years after his first manila trip he’s still having trouble with numbers especially knowing the difference between a 45degree angle run and 90 degree angle run. The third Musketeer is Toby Faletau the silent assassin he destroys props, smashes people on his hit ups and he’s just and all around nice guy, you wonder where Arrran finds these people seriously. In the second row was Private Ryan the Iron Maiden Trouper who thankfully doesn’t need to catch the ball but just barrels over people. Joining Private Ryan in the second row was Craig the Vicar, who has found a new lease of life since he got rid of his wife and starting seeing some fresh young Wanchai meat. As they say you are as young as you feel and Craig has been feeling some young stuff. The back row is Brent “kamikaze” Kotze who embodies everything that is perfect about playing for the Griffs he can play in the forwards or backs as long as you turn up and guzzle 20 cans after the game. Tank Commander Tony was on the other side barking out commands like he was still at West Point. It just goes to show that West Point Military School can produce some honest, hardworking athletes as well as the odd John Rambo wannabe’s. If Tony had stayed in the army longer the Gulf war might have finished earlier. Bringing up the rear is our own Peter Winterbottom lookalike “Capt Dom”, or actually maybe not, one’s a chain smoking beer guzzling blondie and the other’s a really good rugby player. At number nine is the first of our vertically challenged hobbits Nick Cole, he makes up for been so small by throwing passes that Lebron James would have trouble catching. But he’s really in his element when he’s slapping some manly buttocks as the Griff Driving maul heads for the try line. At 10 is the aforementioned Tintin Duffy who has more twists, turns, spins and pirouettes than a Torvill and Dean dance program. He does need to learn that tackling with your shoulder is only going to cause injuries; I have always found the face a better option. In the middle of the park we have two completely different characters Harvard Tom and James the boy from the valley (Clearwater bay valley) Parsons. Tom who’s ideal preparation for a match is to get completely trashed Friday night arrive home at 10am and wait for Craig to drag his sorry a**e out of bed at 12pm ready for the game. James “The Voice” Parsons is the picture of health boyish good looks can play anyway just the sort of guy you want to take home to meet your father. On the wings we had the other of the vertically challenged hobbits Keegs who has to run 10 steps just to make it from the half way to 10 metre line. I understand now why we have Ryan, Nick and Keegs on our team its God’s way of keeping the average height of the human race at 5’9” for every 7ft Giant we need two 4ft hobbits. To be honest Keegs was only playing on the wing because Ross “Prima Donna” Cornwall“was stuck in Tony and Guy’s salon because his girlfriend had mentioned to him the night before that four of his blonde hair strands were not at perfect 45 degree right angles and he hurriedly made an appointment to rectify this major tragedy before it could be witnessed by the outside world. Talking of Tony and Guy it looked liked that “thieving Scouser” Ian Molyneux who turned up to the 1st game at football club late on had been at the same hair salon as Ross with his perfectly coiffed new hair style. On the other wing was Weasel who’s idea of a side step is heading straight for the opposition, as they say if you are too slow to go around go over. At the back was Five Fingers Freddie who has made the number 15 his own this season with his jinxing mazy runs, popping up on your shoulder at the right time and as the last line of defence smashing those kants if they ever get through.
As for the game itself we made a fast start out of the blocks with four quick tries to Brent, Toby, Tony and James. Then the grey mist descended over the Griffs, fouls were committed, players barked back to the referee to go and F#*% himself and we generally went to sleep. They somehow scored a try probably caused by a still drunk Tom dropping the ball 2 metres from our own line and nobody knowing what to do with it. First half over 4 tries to 1 but nobody was cheering least of all Weasel who was wondering why the dark blue syrup that he paid $20 for and had consumed at the start of the match had not made any difference. He need not have worried as the second half saw the weasel of old striding down the wing at half speed running onto passes and actually catching them, bulldozing over stricken HKCC players and generally causing havoc. This led to several more tries been scored for I think Brent’s second, Freddie, Ginger Tom, Ross and then came the moment of the match from another superb backline move the ball was moved out to Weasel and who with a slight of hand caught the ball and dived for what he thought was a certain try only to see the hand of God grab his neck, just as Weasel put the ball over the line the referees hand went up “penalty Try” you are kidding me no justice at all save for putting the right in front conversion over the post.
Even though Winton’s Dad Coach Dave “forever injured” Ashton Howorth was not here to oversee the subs we managed to get all the players who turned up onto the field for at least 10minutes and hopefully next week if Dave has not gone and injured himself skiing down those moguls with his hefty frame we should see more coordination on the bench. After the game (apart from Ginger Tom) we all sank beers and watched the Mustangs pounds some small Chinese guys. Overall 6 out of 10 and as my Primary teacher (who is a nun but we won’t go there for fear of causing another Catholic Church controversy) used to say “could do better”. And better we will be next week.
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Cheers
Weaz