Griffins 19 - 5 Shanghai Hairy Crabs

To describe agreeing to go on tour to China – to a city that has never staged a rugby match, to participate in a tournament never run before against only 3 other teams – as a leap of faith is a bit like saying you’d give Angelina Jolie one if she asked nicely. I have to admit that while we were in Manila – deliberately not reproducing the brand of champagne rugby that had seen us win the cup double during the regular season – even I was a little skeptical as I tried to badger, cajole, blackmail and beg people to sign up for the trip. P Burgos is a one street entertainment rugby tourist compendium dreamland. Xiamen is a city in China where they have air defence drills every Friday afternoon. Add to that the fact that it was billed as a family friendly tour – bring the mrs, bring the kids – you may as well have said bring the softdrinks.

So as we waited in the airport bar I began to sweat a little as the death threats piled up should the tour fail to live up to expectations. Luckily we were met at the airport by Pat Healey – an ex Valley Boy from the late 80’s – still sporting his mullet and still harboring a hate for all things HKFC. He had already arranged the arrival essentials – a coach and a crate of beer for the short transfer to the hotel. After check in we headed for a quick beer stop en route to the venue for the evening meal. Upon arrival we were greeted by the sight of a bucking bronco – no not Samy in a live s3x show but an actual machine. Needless to say the only thing that has been ridden harder in recent times is Charlie’s right hand when he was teaching Korean school girls in Shenzhen.

As the night wore on and the beer went down and the band played on, the inevitable happened – Meatloaf somehow got hold of a microphone after convincing one of the Philipino singers that he would do anything for love – even that. So it came to pass that he did sing a medley of AC/DC and Bon Jovi songs – proving that he is from the Brian Johnson Acca Dacca end of their career and the crowd pleaser Jovi era. He also proved that he generally knows just the AC/DC choruses and finishes Thunderstruck (which is now renamed Tondeurstruck after out very own Waffle Nic Tondeur) with the final words Hard as a Rock (a totally different AC/DC song for you philistines who didn’t know) – proving beyond reasonable doubt that as his chinos and loafers would suggest that he has never worn a denim jacket with Dio or Maiden patches. After the Loaf retired hurt from giving an emotional rendition of that old Valley classic “Valley” he handed the baton over to some chick who basically could have been a Sugarbabe and handed Loaf his Meat back in a sling. If he was egg and chips for tea she was a la carte at the 4 Seasons for Sunday brunch.

The rest of the evening was a typical blur of beer and bad jokes – with the incentive of a late start (11.30am coach pick up – how tour friendly is that?!) spirits were high as memories of 7am departures for the Nomads ground in 38 degree temperatures with a mouth like Ghandi’s flip flop were banished for another year. Saturday morning saw Ghandi’s boomerang like flip flops appear in my mouth – how does that happen?! Anyway – off on the bus for a 10 min trip to private fishing vessels hired to sail us across to Gu Lang Yu Island for the match. Despite the distinctly Chinese nature of the competition – Shanghai Hairy Crabs, Guanzhou Rams, and Xiamen Typhoons it did look like Westerner’s Day Care Day Trip from hell as we hit the tiny island – no more than 2km long at best – just as well Boris wasn’t here or our front row would have had to walk sideways to keep their feet dry. We wandered through the streets to the foot of the steps and large iron gates that heralded the entrance to what had previously been a soccer only venue for the last 111 yrs since missionaries first introduced that game for men of a certain questionable orientation to the island.

And there it was – grass – proper grass – like that bowling green at Craigengower CC that you want to moon walk across before dropping a load on the jack every time you walk past those chutney ferrets in their whites. And better than that – lot’s of seats – lots of food and lots of beer and a guy on the PA system who had the good sense not to let Meatloaf have the microphone. At one point there were 600 people in the ground watching the games and they got their money’s worth for sure what with it being free entry. The tournament format was such that we had progressed immediately into the semi finals against GZ Rams whilst the Typhoons played the Crabs. The Typhoons were a bunch of guys for many of whom the closest they had ever come to rugby was getting a wedgie off the local jocks at Uni. Oh and their Southsea Islanders who just wanted to dish out some biff. They lost narrowly to the Crabs but our own ex Valley boy Pat Healey had the honor of scoring the very first try for Xiamen Typhoons on a rugby pitch in a competitive game. And in doing so dislocated his finger and admirably ran off crying.

What was largely a Valley Griffins side took to the pitch against the Rams and it was then that the minority of non Griffs showed that there is no substitute for having players from a higher grade when you really need them! Resplendent in a tour shirt that has to be seen to be believed we had brought our A game to town. However those same shirts and some of our ever expanding waist lines / ever receding hairlines did make it look like we’d rounded up all the kids chosen last in playground war games and made them wear a shirt that looked great when you didn’t tuck it in but when tucked in looked like you had a miniature Paddy trying to get into or perhaps out of your shorts…we looked like that dance troop from the Fat Boy Slim video for the song Praise You.

At prop we had Waffle – the only man I know who can swallow a hot dog whole like one of those cartoon characters that swallows a whole pic nic hamper in one. He proved to be our bearded savior during a beard scarsity that threatened to overrun our bid for glory. If you need a beard and no one else can help you then you need to call the Waffle – he’ll come along – stroke it in your general direction and then say something profound like Eric Cantona along the lines of “the maple syrup will run like the blood of my enemies after the battle is over and the day is won.” Alex “I know we get a cap, a tshirt, a stubby holder, a meal ticket and 8 beer vouchers for 250 RMB but what about a hand job?” Yuen was hooking. An able tourist, this baby faced assassin always goes about his work in an efficient manner and you shall know him by the trail of dead left in his wake. He always gets fined for having played for Scum – and rightly so. Meatloaf was the other prop – what can you say about this working men’s club singer in a posh bloke’s body? Where most people might have a shoe rack with flip flops, trainers, boots etc Meat has a Loafer rack – 7 pairs all the same color and style but only he knows their secret properties – he has a pair for post match drinking, post bath reclining and post coital smugness. He even has a karaoke pair that his long suffering Butler must carry around on a velvet cushion on the off chance that he finds somewhere he hasn’t been barred from for hogging the songlist file.

At second row we had an ex Griff Aaron “social hand grenade” Bleasedale – and like all Canadians he always gets to mount his man. Aaron likes the rough stuff – never happier than when he’s tied to a bed wearing his scrum cap like a gimp mask and a cue ball in his mouth he likes to wind the opposition up with the odd subtle play on words like “hey you’re pretty sh!t at rugby really aren’t you?” Next to him was our Kiwi Knight Matt “the rake” White. Matt did a very good impression of a proper rugby player and when he wasn’t thinking what fine grazing pasture for his girlfriend Flossy the sheep the ground would make he was key to our success at lineout and re start time.

At scrum half we had Tony “the doctor will see you now” Caranga – Tony used to wear boots that were so old and outdated that even the original missionaries who had stood and watched their friends get changed before playing soccer on the pitch 111 yrs ago would have been embarrassed. Now with boots from this century and his socks pulled up he was about to show why the US Eagles have been showing a huge level of disinterest in him recently. Flyhalf was my fault (that’s the line I had prepared before seeing Guy “the human coathanger” Moore play.) However – flyhalf was an inspired piece of team selection by me. Guy showed that despite having the kind of legs that would have an Ethiopian distance runner offering him sandwiches, he had the heart of a Griffin and an ability to kick the ball so high and far that we thought the air raid sirens would go off.

Centre was reserved for something or should I say someone very special – Seb “The Fonz” Alfonsi. It’s not often a higher grade player has a run out for the Griffs but when one does it kind of brings it home to you just how far ahead they are. He was seen doing some really weird stuff before the game - stretching I think it’s called. And he even ran into position for the first kick off. Freak. Seb is so cool on the pitch that I was half expecting him to run off the pitch into the bathroom, run a comb through his hair and then hold his arms out by his sides and say “Heyyyyyyyy.” I didn’t mind holding his leather jacket for him whilst he was out there putting on a master class. On the wing we had Seb “Sleepytime Nighty Night” Cheung who in a complete about face from the rest of the season caught every pass (both of them.) Seb sees work as just an interruption he has to put up with between tours and will now be ordering shirts from Valley For after his small adult shirt looked like a duvet cover on him. Bernardo “yaquillabaristabambinobaldiciperes” Mendia slotted in at full back because he said he had once met a bloke called Gary Owen. Seeing as Weasel has gone to and Bernardo said he would probably drop the high ball I opted for continuity and he didn’t disappoint.

So to the first game against the Rams and their fukking Southsea Islanders as well – how is it that we only have one in Valley and he’s not a Griff – these other teams don’t know they’re bloody born I tell you. Anyway we took a 12-0 lead after some great forward and back play – The Fonz being outstanding scoring in the goal of the football posts (yes you read that right – they had football goals with bamboo scaffolding as the uprights.) The second half saw Samy “Pepe LePew” come on to the wing where he spends most of his time while playing hooker anyway. Samy had seemingly spent the first half liberally applying garlic butter to himself as a tanning agent – I can see no other excuse for him slipping and dropping everything all the time. Paddy Shepherd – a name that sounds like a game you’d find in the Irish Olympics, came on at prop – a position that he relishes especially when given the opportunity to pack down against someone from the South Pacific “Did you see my prop?” he asked incredulously – “Yes.” Why do you think I put you in there Paddy? Seb “No stupid emails before this tour” Owen came on at second row aiming to put everything he’d learned in Manila into practice on this tour – well almost everything.

Rob “no relation to Henric” Larsen our very own laid back Aussie also joined the fray. During a pre match interview with local Xiamen TV Rob was asked if he thought Valley had a good chance of winning the tournament – he replied “What? No sorry I don’t speak Chinese.” Olly “I thought this was a Vets tour? Nobody said there’d be running and sh!t” Stratton came on to fly half and did what all fly halfs of a certain age do – he ran a couple he shouldn’t have and got munched – he threw some hospital passes out wide when he should have taken it in and he made some cool breaks that nobody would have given an old codger a hope in hell’s chance of making. I feel that mention should also be made of two non playing tourists whose contribution as Hydration Distribution Consultants cannot go without comment. Greg “can you rub some suntan lotion on me – yes my stomach – lower – lower – a bit lower – bingo!” Cromen and yours truly. We really kept that water flowing. Then we let them back in to take a 14-12 lead and with the last play of the game Bernardo scored the winning try to take us into the final against the Crabs. Another shot at silverware?

One thing that the first game taught us was that we needed some pace in defense – with an average 100m time of 23 seconds our team wasn’t exactly made for the kind of mobile fast moving game we were being forced into playing – so I enlisted the help of a couple of the Typhoons (including Andre a Swedish handball player who had never played rugby until today…) So the final against the Crabs was pretty hard going as they were a big , physical side but with our lessons learned from earlier we stopped playing our front row in the back line and when they applied themselves it was a sweet sight. Our pack was dominant in all areas of the pitch (ok apart from fitness) Our backs were extremely committed in both attack and defence – with the Fonz and Samy both scoring fantastic tries after patient and determined forward build up. Coathanger played a blinder and is a welcome addition to the Griffs for the regular season next year. Tony scored a great try to close the game out as we won 19-5. The third piece of silverware for this group of guys for the year – awesome.

As we accepted the trophy Tony was filmed by local news trying and failing to drink the 4 cans of beer that were ceremoniously poured into the cup on the winner’s rostrum. A chorus of Valley rang out and it’s fair to say that our kit still made us look like a pub side making up the numbers – but in a good way. We went to the beach party that night – over 1000 people marveling initially at Tony still carrying the trophy without wanting to let go – until after closer inspection they realized it had been taped to his hand as he willingly accepted beer contributions all night. It was a great tour to an amazing place and we were fortunate to have been invited to be a part of it. Great news for us is that two ex Typhoons – Coathanger and Arthur Burnand are coming to play for the Griffs next season (see this you tube link to see Arthur get nailed http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j8fciodvJc ) This really was a Club effort with players from most grades represented and next year we’d like to see it continue as a social tour – faultlessly organized and supported by the local community and players of the Typhoons it is sure to be a permanent fixture on many club calendars – and Valley were there at the first one – and we brought the trophy home!