Griffins 17 - 0 Scum

Saturday gave us a unique opportunity – for many of us – a once in a rugby playing career chance, to not only play in, but to win a Grand Championship Final. It’s pretty well documented the debt we owe to the players who helped get us there but that unfortunately couldn’t be with us to play in that final game, or because of the 22 player restriction wouldn’t be able to get a run out. A big mention to Ryan, Rob and Robert for backing us up on the day and to all the boys who came down to support us despite not making the cut – it was truly a squad effort!

I’d like to give a brief mention to some others who made it all possible – these guys don’t get to share the glory up front like the rest of you rock stars… Higgie “whatever you do don’t touch my baseball cap – my mother doesn’t touch my baseball cap” has shown that he truly is a club coach not just a 1st grade coach – with Wayne “to be honest if you are in any doubt who did it just hit the nearest one” support he has been able to give us some of his valuable time and experience – it is no coincidence that we have won every game he’s been involved in. Neil “these are not pipe cleaners hanging out of my shorts they are my legs” Bailey has played a huge role in developing straight forward but highly effective drills for us that went some way in the last few weeks to harnessing our natural talent and focus our attention on the blindingly obvious. And yes he does go to bed with that mini wipe board every night using it to trace around his wanger to see if those pills he bought off the internet are actually working. To the rest of the players and team captains who offered us advice, bodies, and endless support – we owe you big time.

Right, strap yourselves in and get ready for the last match report of this season – never let it be said that I don’t produce the goods (unless you’re my girlfriend in which case harsh but fair) And as I always say – never let a realistic match report get in the way of a good write up…

Now let’s be honest, who didn’t sh!t themselves even just a little bit at the thought of watching let alone playing in the Grand Final – I’m sure if I’d done a skid check on your undies there’d be at least 95% of you with fudge smudge for sure. This game put everything in perspective – those countless seasons of training out on the paddock and hitting the weights hard all those years ago when we were keen and fit had lead us to this moment. Meatloaf at prop has been a revelation this year – off field he chooses to share a tailor with Liptak – g@y deck shoes, chino shorts and pink polo shirts are his staple dress but on field that’s where the Lippy similarities end. The Loaf is young, has two testicles, and can do at least 2 press ups. Whereas the Lip can’t claim to have any of the of the above and no John we can’t allow anything you were, had or did 25 yrs ago to count. Meat has brought a style of scrummaging to the Griffs this year that has struck fear into the hearts of many an oppo. By that I mean that whereas most front rowers need a back rower to count 1-2-3 drive! Meat can do it in French as well – imagine the erections in Les Broncs when they heard this happen only for him to follow it up with ”i say old chap would you mind awfully taking your hand off my scrotum otherwise I may be forced to give you a ruddy good thump on the nose. Anyway Weasel warned me about you Frenchies and your fancy colored clothing by Benneton and your man kissing ways. I’d rather sniff Matron’s drawers again than drink garlic brandy with you rotters.” And so a Griffs legend was born.

At hooker we had Gei Gei “mini Nonu” – fresh from 6 months of being used as a kiwi doormat he said “yeah bro course I’ll play against scum – sweet as bro sweet fukking as. Hey did you know that whales eat plinkton bro?” This little guy has the heart bigger than Recon’s bald patch and has improved a huge amount in a short space of time – you will never see a bigger sh!t eating grin from someone at the bottom of a ruck than Gei Gei – he loves it. Pat “on second thoughts better make that a diet coke and just 2 super sizes – I’m in training for the grand final you know.” swapped shifts and managed to keep off the pop long enough to play a huge part in our victory – it’s hard to believe that Pat and Paddy “Cheung Chau tourist extraordinaire” used to be at the same Uni in the UK and were once the same size – jeez Paddy’s put some weight on eh? To say that I was worried about the front row when we lost Boris to a new strain of food carried STD and Waffle to a Connect 4 and Table Jenga RSI overtraining accident is putting it mildly. For Pat and Gei Gei to step up and add a different dynamic speaks volumes of this mighty club of ours. Pat is old school in his approach to propping – you can keep your sidesteps and your hitch kicks, you can stuff your jinks and your dummies – if you make him run too far he will go down like he’s been shot with nobody near him and scream about “straining a hammy” because he’s heard backs do it. Or he will find someone to run into – from either team or run into touch whichever is closest. You’ve got to admire his homage to retro rugby but I think we’ll give reversible double thickness cotton shirts a miss mate.

In the engine room – 0-6kmph in 18 seconds was Sean “rugby is something I do between Manila tours” – a line out supremo – a steeplejack for the modern sporting era and one of the few people I’ve seen do a warm up wearing wayfairers, our resident evil lock was always going to give Scum a torrid time with the awesome lifting prowess at the front that sent him skywards all year. Packing down next to him was Spudgun Bolton – not to be confused with the current Irish Lock Paul O’Connell because he’s nowhere near as good. Spudgun has delivered the goods all season and made me laugh when he said he was going on a course he’d seen advertised in Hustler magazine – it said “Become a Salty Seadog and get the most out of your Seamen!” – turns out it was actually a sailing course on a boat with lessons about rigging and sh!t… At 6 we had the Beefcupcake Tim – he said he didn’t run the night before or train in the morning so he was fresh and ready for the game – he had however applied the babyoil and got the little packet pouch out which was a little disconcerting for everyone else in the changing room. At 7 was Gunny Sarn’t Carango our very own West Point Graduate who still lives by the moto “A cadet will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.” Which for a flanker must be pretty fukking hard to do. With his oversized shorts and socks rolled down he was ready to unleash some army marching songs on the Scum along the lines of “Model T Ford and a tank full of gas (lots of blokes repeat it) HKFC can suck my ass!” etc 8 was the uncompromising Colinus Maximus – you know when he turns up sober, well rested and up for it that even if Scum put a dirty big cheating muthatfukka ringpiece to$$pot w@nker at number 8 that Colin will not only deal with it but overcome it and stir the big soup spoon of triumph over his still warm corpse.

At 9 Kevin “Express delivery” was crowning off a fine season which saw him offer a few things at scrum half that Hugh didn’t – a full head of luxurious hair and a current season playing shirt. Kevin is more Peter Stringer less Mauro Bergamasco than Hugh. He’s more Knight Rider and less Miss Marple. He has never ducked a challenge all season – confrontational, plucky and 100% commitment is what you get from him every time. At 10 was Boyo Parsons – it’s about time he had a decent more befitting nickname than one that was originally used to differentiate him from another JP – who currently resides in 2 Lightweight Avenue in a quaint little English village called Bloke-Under-Thumb, Nomorefunshire. So James your new nickname is PCCW – because you don’t always show up when you say you will! Actually I think we’ll call you Schitzo because it is so hard to know if it’s the running fly half or the kicking fly half that’s going to turn up – Schitzo is hard enough to play with as an inside centre but to play against he must be a nightmare because he seems to act quicker than most of us can think! Well quicker than Dazzla anyway…

And now for Dazzla – already a Grand Final winner with the team that originally put the Griffs on the map – back when the Knights were asking Griffs to play for them, Leeroy was trying to make it compulsory to get nuded up in the bus on the way to the hotel in Manila and everybody wore boots like Tims – the only choice you had was Puma or Patrick and moulded studs was a top shelf magazine subscribed to by Milky Bar Matt rather than a form of footware choice. Dazzla confided to me that his first love as a kid when growing up other than pizza and playing with Mr Winkie was baseball. Imagine my surprise – here was a friend – a brother in arms essentially telling me that he enjoyed watching me shower and that he had the complete works of George Michael on cd and vinyl. If he wasn’t such a damn fine player I would have had to tie him to the back of my pick up and drive him around town drinking beer before taking him back to my trailer park and giving him to the Gimp. Darren must have spent the off season eating creatine covered lollipops. We are fortunate that his mrs didn’t have her evil way and make him stop playing in order to take up wearing sweaters with the arms draped over his shoulders, chino shorts and deck shoes whilst discussing the different soil properties that make Californian Zinfandel so much better than Chilean Sauv Blanc.

Outside centre saw Jason “Scrappy Doo” who fights 100% full on for every moment he is on the pitch. Blessed with natural pace, and the face only a mother could love you know Jason is on the pitch because everyone else is saying yes Jason, no Jason, 3 bags full Jason. He brings an organization to the back line that has been missing since Recon Tom deliberately broke his leg in order to gain the sympathy vote in Manila and so that when referring to his plaster cast he could make the joke “that’s not the only thing that’s white and stiff round here love” If I heard it once I heard it 1000 times – every time followed by the sound of tumbleweed drifting across P.Burgos. Jason never knows he’s beaten and as a result very seldom is. On one wing we had Woody ”The Greyhound” – if you’ve ever watched a greyhound trying to stop after legging it after the rabbit you’ll know that it struggles to slow down in a dignified fashion because it has built up so much momentum – that’s Woody – more speed than that Keanu Reeves film about the bus that would blow up if it slowed down. On the other wing we had Jackie “Boomshakalak” who has been like an all inclusive old for new insurance policy for us all year. His middle name is consistency – maybe he should change his English name to Consistent because if I had to choose one person as last line of defence it would be him every time – often as a replacement fullback at half time, we started Jackie on the wing because he has shown some serious wheels this year and we had to reward his performances.

At fullback we had Weasel who has shown glimpses of basic skills like catching and running with the ball, all season. I know I often target him, some would say a little unfairly in my write ups, but that’s because he makes it so fukkin’ easy man. So Weasel was at the back – of the queue when looks were handed out. See what I mean? Candy from a baby. Weasel has been the rock upon which the Griffs have been built this year selflessly scheduling his facial reconstruction around our fixtures – I know it doesn’t look like it now but he used to be really ugly and have thinning hair and hollow cheeks and misaligned teeth. Ok so our Championship run saw him miss a few crucial ops but all in all I think we can agree that it has been worth it. As his plastic surgeon said “mate it might be cheaper if you hold the ball closer to your face at the bottom of the ruck at least to get us started.” Weasel has carried this team further than he ever carried a ball without dropping it and for that I am truly thankful.

And so to the game – Scum did the usual and put a few ringers in against us but as the saying goes “I’d rather be honest than be a lying cheating Scum.” However as we’d said all the time during the build up – let’s concentrate on what we can control – our high altitude training camp in the Alps during the week, our warm up and our game plan. So from kick off it was pretty clear that this was going to be a tough one. They were hard up front but we were harder. They were inventive in the backs but we were smarter. They linked pretty well between forwards and backs but we were a complete team – seamless. It was hard grind for the pack and the first 20mins saw us slug it out toe to toe before we made some telling drives and offloaded the ball out wide for Jason to finish off some great footwork and passing in the corner. Kevin kicked the extras – 7-0 to Griffs. Then we lost Woody to a dodgy hammy which opened the door for Charlie. The Kaiser has been ever present when not getting married or on honeymoon or some other equally lame excuse. Now here is a guy who by his own admission is not blessed with s3xual potency – let’s just say he’s as quick off the mark in the sack as Bolt is out of the blocks in the 100m. However far from getting hung up on this or even developing a complex about it he has managed to turn it to his advantage at the local sp3rm bank where he regularly earns more than $25,000HKD per month for pumping his swimmers out. In fact he has now customized what has come to be known by staff there as The Kaiser Suite complete with a poster of Angelina Jolie from Beowulf. He still carries his kit to a mach in a park n shop bag and only drinks blue girl even when there is Heineken on offer.

Half time saw us go out with the same team on the park – knowing they’d throw everything at us – except money. And they did – in fact one of them – that dirty fuking pr1ck I referred to earlier threw Jackie into the ground like he was doing a WWF choke slam and broke Jackie’s collar bone. If it was clear to us on the sideline fuk knows why the ref or touchie couldn’t see that cheating piece of sh1t do it. This brought Neil “LLB – Lying Lawyer Ba$tard” on to the wing. Young Neil came out here on a 6 mnth contract and within 3 weeks was playing in a Grand Final and signed up for Manila – that’s the spirit! Having attended 4 consecutive training sessions he had the final one before the game off in order to avoid overtraining and it showed as he gassed up and down the wing keeping tabs on their backs.

Another promising break up the field by Tony supported by Tim and Colin saw us suck their defence in and quick ball to the even quicker Charlie saw him bust some weak defence and get over for our second try – 12-0 to the Griffs. Then that dirty fukking scummy arse of used rubber johnnie Scum number 8 did another choke slam – this time on Kevin who was giving the best scum half in our league a torrid time. Kevin was a mess but luckily the ref saw it this time – surely a red card for deliberate dangerous tackle with intent to injure. Of course not – it’s a Scum player but he got a yellow card and an apology from the ref. What a farce. Anyway Kevin showed he was the bigger man by sucking it up and getting on with the rugby despite considerable pain. On came Seb “time to take off the gloves” Owen keen to continue our forward dominance. Until Beefcupcake joined us I think Seb was one of the few Griff forwards to have ever seen his own abs. He made a monster hit that caused a turn over and so nearly led to a clean break within moments of coming on.

Paddy “Griffs All Over Body Hair Champion 2006/7/8” came on in the second row and lifted like his life depended on it in the line outs and drove like his place on the Manila tour depended on it in the tight. His game is based on two principles – hurt the opposition and hurt Scum even more. You know when he was in the army Paddy once chewed off his own arm rather than tell someone anything other than his name, rank and serieal number – I know what you’re thinking – what kind of question could possibly make a man do that? Simple really - “do you want fires with that?” Once again – as with all season Dazzla made a stunning break up field, busting through some stiff opposition defence (ok to be honest and in Dazzla’s own words “they were soft as sh1t mate – I could have done the conga through there.”) before finally offloading to Jason who burned them again to score – 17-0 to the Griffs. Ken “Kong” the softly spoken mild mannered butterfly collector replaced Pat and gave us added presence and competition at the breakdown – Ken continues to get better and better with every season – it brings a tear to my eye at the thought of him flying from the Griffs nest for a final time. AJ “Judge Dread” came on at Second row having shouted at the ref more than me all game. Look up the definition of uncompromising and you’ll see a picture of AJ – basically he doesn’t fuk about – he’s an enforcer and the kind of guy you hope doesn’t tackle you in open play or get anywhere near you in the loose because either way it’s gonna hurt.

The final sub of the day was Ole Father Time himself – the Lippmeister. Fresh from a colonic that morning “to keep me loose” the self styled deliverer of truth and justice Lippy was itching to get on and demonstrate his own particular brand of rugby, honed on the playing fields of Carolina – the American rugby mecca – the launch pad of such US Eagles as Dan “Rebel” Ballticklerhousen, and Bubba “the Greek” O’Flanagan the great American Greek Irish outside half who once dropped a goal scoring the only points during their defeat at the hands of a touring girls U14s team from Wales. He did however marry one of the girls and together they had 6 children – all with buck teeth and mullets – a bit like Joe Dirt. I don’t know what to tell you about Lippy that I haven’t already told you. If you looked up rugby in the dictionary he’d still be 5 pages back under Liptak. However he got to have his time in the sun and much to everyone’s surprise he tackled that cheating fukking w@nker number 8 and got up and shouted “America Fuk Yeah!”

So that was it – we won 17-0. Man of the match was Dazzla – more gut busting runs than the morning after a spicy curry and a defence tighter than a gnat’s chuff he stepped up and dug deep all day. 3 MOS points to him. James gets 2 points for a superb tactical game with awesome kicking – the kind of kicking that forwards actually endorse! 1 point for Tony who as ever left more of himself on the pitch than he was able to scrape into a body shape and drag off it. This leaves the MOS results top 3 as follows – 1st place Snakehips having built a commanding lead early in the season. 2nd place to Waffle despite missing final 2 games but for really coming into his own as a front row monster this year – hard to believe that a year ago he couldn’t play or even count to 10. 3rd place goes to Tony – exemplary performances and formed a deadly back row trio with Tim and Colin. Your awards will be given out at the RFU dinner later this year.

As it turned out we were the only team to not let a point past them in any of the finals and the first of 3 Valley Grand Championship Final wins. A fitting end to what was a really tough season that saw many Griffs reach puberty in rugby terms and cop their first feel of tit. I hope it has left you wanting more and that you have enjoyed the best of what this great club has to offer – friendship, team mates and a place in Valley history that nobody can take away from you. You have earned the right to start every sentence with “When we won the Grand Championship Final and League double.” For example “When we won the Grand Championship Final and League double I’ll have the cheesecake please.” Or “When we won the Grand Championship Final and League double Wyndham Street mr taxi driver please.” Finally I’d like to share with you something many of you didn’t see because it happened while you were on the pitch but as the medical staff were trying to get Jackie’s Valley shirt off him they got the scissors out as he was in so much pain they couldn’t get it up over his head. He shouted at them to stop as they were about to make the first cut into the fabric “No – this shirt means something to me!” Too fukking right it does!

Have a good break boys – don’t be strangers during the off season – there will be a short tour to Xiamen (fly Friday after work May 8th play 9th return on Sunday 10th, a Valley RFC golf red jacket where everyone especially non players are welcome, Paddy and Arrann’s annual day trip to Cheung Chau and the Lions tour of South Africa. Details of HKRFU dinner will be posted out as they become available – do what you can to join the mob.

Thanks for the memories

Azza.