Griffins 15 - 14 Police

Wanna tell you a story – ‘bout a woman I know. When it comes to lovin’ ooh she steals the show. Ain’t exactly pretty. Ain’t exactly small. 42-39-56 you could say she’s got it alllllll.” So sang our Bon Scott – the only good thing to have ever come out of Australia that wasn’t in a sausage. Now little did the Bonmeister know that 28 years after his untimely death choking on his own vomit that A) The Maffins pack would immortalize those words both on and off the pitch (well the bit about not being pretty or small) and that at least a couple of the gang would narrowly avoid choking on their own vomit by spewing it all over a tree opposite Crazy Horse in Wan Chai.

There comes a time when every boy has to stop wearing short trousers and put on the long ones – regardless of the fact that his mum might have bought a pair that should last him for the next 3 years with turn ups big enough to carry a small pygmy tribe around in. Well that day for putting on the big boys pants arrived last Saturday, the Maffins put down their catapults, their marbles, their stink bombs and their nudey playing cards long enough to go scrumping for apples at the Boundary Street Orchard of Life.

Police have a deservedly big reputation – some big fat gnarly old ba$tards and some young whipper snappers who love nothing better than a legitimate opportunity to slap a few of us tax payers around like they used to in the good old days. They’d been scoring points for fun all season with a forward dominated game truncheoning anything that moved to a pulp. But that was before the Maffs came to town. With a warm up that lasted longer than most of our games we set the scene for what was to become a bit of Valley folklore – a tale to be told around the campfire in years to come to those wide eyed youngsters out here on work experience. In hushed tones people would revere those that took part in the game as the anointed ones, welcome in any hostelry with a cool flagon of ale and a serving wench in a short skirt. For this my friends was to be The Battle of Good vs Evil – the Light vs the Dark side – Day vs Night – Valley vs Police.

We had a great turn out at training – we had coaching that focused on doing the simple things well – something most of us have neglected since school with the advent of cross field kicks, reverse spin passes, double arangies, hammers, RSVPs, and Lollipop Doozies (we haven’t tried that in the Griffs yet but I saw it in a film made in Bangkok) We did our lineout drills, ran our lines, even scrummed down and we were on the front foot from the start. First scrum and we nailed them – actually nailed doesn’t do it justice – as he has done all year Shotgun Winston ripped his opposition prop a new one. And then repeated the process again and again until the Police Prop resembled just one big ar$ehole. Butterbean Boris at hooker is showing that he intends to quite literally make his mark on anyone he comes up against – birthmark / skidmark he doesn’t care – and seeing him do the Big Daddy Splash on some of their poor unfortunate players was a joy to behold – and he lasted 45 minutes – yep zero to hero (minutes on the pitch that is) in the space of a few weeks the guy is cooking on gas with low fat double virgin olive oil.

What can you say about Dragonball Zen Waffle – from his lowly upbringing as a goat herder’s apprentice, drinking bier blonde for breakfast this beardy weirdy has made the position of prop his own – so much so that his life insurance bracket has now changed. The guy gave the kind of performance that made you want to kiss him if you were a bender or slightly bi curious and pi$$ed. There is no prop in Valley as mobile as this guy – small wonder that we don’t want to lose him despite approaches from Les Donkeys but Il dit non. He benched a full game for them the week before and didn’t get on the pitch so he was full of malevolent intent as he took the pitch to dish out justice Belgian style – he poured syrup and chocolate sauce on his opposite number and tore into him. He did also drop the ball over the line in the last play before the end of the first half – so overjoyed was he at crossing the line he lost all grip of his senses and the ball – but this did not stop him from winning the much coveted 3 Points in the Man of the Season competition. (He also intercepted a pass just outside our 22 and unlike most props he actually put his head down and ran for it with no regard for the number on his shirt before spinning (yes spinning) the ball wide. Now some people may say he’s not a true prop but Paddy will tell you that he fukking is right and he’s staying at prop and never ever fukking moving right?!)

In the second row we had Sean “Chu lookin’ at me?” Alexander – proof that erectile dysfunction doesn’t have to spell the end of your playing career. He dished out more shots than one of those chicks in Amazonia when the ships are in town – he was decking the rozzers for fun and rose majestically like the stiffies he used to get back in the day at the very mention of a tour. Spudgun Bolton was there beside him every step of the way. Spudgun is the Griffs very own Malcolm O’Kelly – for all you w@nkers out there asking who? He’s a fukking awesome Irish 2nd row who eats the likes of that lightweight cider drinker Borthwick for breakfast and then mops up the yoke with a slice of Palmer. Spudgun does the dirty work in such a way so as to make you think that if you offered him a better looking face and liposuction he’d rip your throat out and use it as a sweat band. He is the rock that the Griffs engine room is built on. His support play with Sean has filled the gap that only a true man could replace when Gunslinger stepped aside. Weasel gave the Police back row a lesson in tantric rugby – slowing down when he thought he needed a breather and speeding up when he got his confidence back – a relatively quiet game verbally his performance was nothing short of average – just joking – his new found body weight and fitness gives him a presence at the breakdown that he didn’t have last season. Last year he was the bee that you put a glass over at lunch because it kept buzzing you – this year he’s the hornet that you just say “fuk it you can have the food, the drink – I’ll go and settle up for you.” . Tony “Scaramoosh” was on the blind side – so far this year he’s hooked, been inside centre and today blindside – for a guy who only weighs 42kg he has the go forward of a man at least 2kg heavier – a constant thorn in their side at the breakdown and shutting down their options in the loose he just gets better every week. Paddy “look mate I’ll give you $500 if I can start at 8” had genuinely earned the right to start at 8 and showed that you don’t have to be good looking to play at the back of the scrum. He is deceptively strong and the leg drive he showed on a number of occasions would put an ugly bloke with strong legs to shame. Paddy had a full game at 8 and put some stonking hits in one on one and was instrumental in some of the momentum grabbing steals.

Hugh Jass is our banker at 9. What can you say about a guy who this year has turned the clock back to a time when Freddy was slim and passed the ball. If Jack Black is Tenacious D then Hugh is Tenacious H – he is relentless and against a scrum half who has had it too much his own way for a few seasons Hugh really sent the Police 9 back to the drawing board as he got no spare change out of him all day. An extra comment for Hugh’s performance in this match would be that he has earned not only his starting position but also our respect through letting his game do the talking for him out there but when he does have something to say we all listen in. Snakehips came to this game meaning business. By that I mean he brought a kicking T – one that he stole from his son. Add that to the one that Sean brought him and the one that Weasel made out of an old mouth guard and you should be getting the picture that this year we have come to view his kicking as an integral part of our game. But to say that he is just a good kicker would do the rest of his game an injustice – some of his kicks actually take us from our half into the opposition’s half-yeah and he’s not even been picked to play for Hong Kong National side – how bad is that?! Well let’s just say if it hadn’t been for Juddy slipping him those steroids all those years ago and then grassing him up things could have been so much different on the National Scene for our Dom. Think of another word better than majestic that isn’t sublime and use that to describe his performance in this match – he was like the Spinal Tap amp that goes all the way up to 11.

Recon Tom was at inside centre – now this guy has grown steadily into the role that marshals our defense. We look to him to bring our line up. Many would have watched in horror as he let their 17 stone fat kunt centre pile through unopposed – seemingly on his way to touch down. Not our Recon – he knew that fat bloke would run out of gas – in fact he knew that fat bloke’s knees wouldn’t take another pounding like that – so what did he do next time – he let him through again – but this time with such cold and steely calculation like a cat stalking a mouse who’s ar$e he’s just chewed out he cut him down just short of our line and fat bloke disappeared from the field, huffing and puffing and claiming that Recon had cheated by making him run so far. The Kaiser was outside him – displaying the kind of footwork that only a hattrick hero could ever hope to replicate. It’s funny that his ability on the dance floor belies his ability to hot shoe shuffle around the opposition – sometimes it’s as though he doesn’t like to take contact unless it’s to his knees and elbows so that he can keep his job as a teacher of 16-18 yr old Korean girls by claiming that he is no threat to them as he is in fact a homo and has the elbow and knee carpet burns to prove it. I overheard a girl in wan chai saying to Bernie that speed isn’t always a good thing but that she was sure that it happened to every man at least once in his life – well not our Bernie the Stealth Bomber. He’s got more gas than a Russian pipeline and justly scored our first try leaving his winger failing to tackle even his shadow part way through the first half giving Snakehips an easy (now that he has three kicking tees) conversion.

Woody was on the other wing – and quite frankly such speed in someone so young is a terrifying prospect if you come up against him. He just puts the pedal to the metal and all you can hear is the sonic boom as he breaks the sound barrier. Now Woody got a yellow card for tackling their fly half as he tried to take a quick drop out 22 – I’d like to think it was an innocent mistake but he told me later that Weasel told him to do it. That Weasel should take a young lad’s innocence on the field of dreams by encouraging him to resort to the kind of tactics previously employed by one Boozer Esquire in a Griff’s shirt is quite frankly admirable – well done! Jacky “The Hoover” is probably one of the most underestimated players in our team – but I can count on the fingers of the one hand of one of those archers who had his two arching fingers cut off, the number of tackles I’ve seen him miss in 3 years and when I’d finished counting I’d still have a clenched fist. He just doesn’t make mistakes – we’ve come to view our fullback as someone we love and admire – someone who we’d willingly sacrifice our left nuts for – unlike that nonce JP who turned tail and fled to the UK for a thing called love – the bond with a full back who never let’s you down is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman – something JP will never know or truly understand – and if you’re reading this JP – you’re probably reading it in a g@y bar having pretended to be straight with your Mrs who has her own house and offered you free rent – sounds familiar? It should be – you have left Salsa Matt crippled with debt after he was forced to settle out of court with his new male cleaner who wouldn’t do the housework naked wearing a gimp mask like you used to.

To be honest the game was always going to be tight and after a frenetic pace set by the Griffs we really should have made our pressure pay – great forward work in the tight and we turned them over more times than a P Burgos local fem during the 10s. The backs came close a number of times but missed out by moving too laterally. We’d spoken about the need to give Woody and Bernie space but didn’t deliver it to them. However we regrouped after an injury to one of their players – straightened it all out and from the next scrum where we wheeled them, a quick pick and go and quick ball got out wide to Bernie and as mentioned he romped home with the conversion made by Dom. What followed was a wake up call for Police – and perhaps a lesson for us as well. We had countless opportunities to inflict a huge first half score on them but that final pass that didn’t come, that support in the loose that arrived moments too late or even that solo run that should have waited for support was what made the difference between a clinical performance and a gutsy performance. This is perhaps something to work on in training – and training is clearly having a big, positive effect on this squad. However having contrived not to sentence Police to a half in points jail they fought back and scored prior to half time. We responded instantly – huge pressure on their pack – great lines from Dom and sneaky pop passes in the centres before Waffle scooted round the blind side and drove over their line only to drop the ball – hey ho – it didn’t mean anything – it just served to reinforce the fact that we had what it took to take this game.

Second half saw Butterbean continue to put in a supreme physical effort. We swapped some players in the interest of fairness but also to try and find that final piece of the jigsaw. Sean came off for a rest and Ben The Honeymonster came into second row with Ross. Ben is a big lump of a guy – he lulls you into thinking he’s a pudding bellied softy and then get close enough to him and you’ll find he’s a tough young guy who really enjoys putting in the hits and whilst not blessed with abs of steel like me he’s still a Spartan. Tim Clark Kent Yip came on at outside centre and like his namesake he is faster than a speeding bullet and he does get mistaken for other things - I heard someone ask if the buffed guy now at outside centre was Arrann Young – I could see the resemblance. Dazzla Two tickets to the Gun Show front row seats please OB came on at inside centre and these guys are like chalk and cheese. Tim is fit, lean, quick, chicks dig him, and Darren is errr Darren. Kevin the pocket rocket wrecking ball came on at half time and at the risk of repeating myself Kevin the pocket rocket came on at half time and continued to harass and hound their scrum half – Kevin has worked hard on securing the ball and forcing Dom to run onto the pass which instantly puts us on the front foot. His passes are snappier and his defence especially at the end was monumental. Once again we hammered Police in the pack – West Indies Winston periodically offering both scrummaging masterclasses followed by refereeing insights for the uninitiated. Great lineout work followed with the Wease breaking well to support the backs as we reverted to the game plan of creating space – releasing Woody to scream down the left wing and score under the posts – his first ever for Valley. The Police were b!tching amongst themselves about what was going wrong and blaming the ref as well as their own touch judge. However they just couldn’t hack it. If you look at the Police points difference you’ll see it is way more favorable than ours so it must say something when after consistently coming up short of our line they opted to take a penalty. They pulled back to 12-7 down. We just turned up the heat, marched straight back down the pitch and created a situation where only the most cynical team would infringe – so the Police infringed – quell surprise! Was Weasel ever a Policeman I wonder? Spoiled for choice on the kicking tees Dom reverted to using Weasel’s crack to steady the ball before giving us another 3 points. 15-7 to the Griffs.

Things got a bit feisty as their frustration turned to good old fashioned brutality – Tony was speared, Ben was punched, Waffle was goosed. I think this was where their street smart approach from their old boys threw our game a touch as they broke free and dropped the ball over our line – however the ref in his first and possibly last game gave the try. Least said about the ref the better but he was fukking useless and should have gone back to teaching in Kindergarten where he could at least show some control – probably. In the past we might have thought the chips were stacked against us but not now – we just put our heads down and stormed straight back up the pitch applying more pressure. It was heart in the mouth time but we held on to win 15-14 – the only sense of injustice was at the Police getting a bonus point because of a bull$hit decision to give them a try that never was. I’d like to thank the three guys who came down and didn’t get on the pitch – the late sin binning of Sean stopped us making those extra changes as we had to close ranks. I was gutted not to do so as we pride ourselves on getting everybody into the action if only for a few minutes. Now special mention on the other Man of the Season Points front – Dazzla must have been pumping iron as opposed to ice cream recently because on 3 separate occasions he ripped possession from the Police players when they were threatening our line and where quick ball would have ruined us. He first showed this ability back in Manila and I thought it was a fluke but he proved time and again that he has the bad boys to deal with anything in the tight. For this critical intervention he gets the 2 points. Finally the Woodmeister gets the nod with a point for his first ever Valley try – but more than that no cause is ever lost for Woody – he chases everything believing that he will get to the ball first or make the tackle – it gives us great confidence to see that happen.

As for the Griff’s Xmas party afterwards with fancy dress – we got slaughtered – check out the pic. The fines went down very well and mine came back up again a bit later before the Kaiser took pity on me and folded me into a cab. Now a number of us said we’d be going to Manila – it will after all be Weasel’s Stag do and his leaving do 20-22 March. Sean Alexander has already put the deposit down and if you book now you can get a pi$$ cheap flight as part of a group but you need to let him know. If you want to see Weasel defend his title in the ring then let Sean know ASAP. I’ll be doing the kit and will need numbers early next year so do what you have to do to be on that plane. I’ll put a flyer together about it and send it out via the club but trust me – it doesn’t get any better than this…

So Happy Xmas Maffins – the real work starts after the break with a big game followed by a big night – 10th January is Charlie’s Stag do, Arthur’s leaving do and my 30 something birthday including the rarest of things – me strapping on my boots so do NOT make plans…