Valley 66 - 0 Scum

It’s not every day that Valley RFC gets to spend some quality time together – fixture lists have seen to that over the last few seasons for sure – but this was the mother of all get togethers – a bus booked under the name of Scum Bulls, a restaurant booked under the name of Scum Sequins and a visit to the STD clinic booked under the name of Greg. Wan Chai shop owners have all ordered a sh!t load more Hawaiian Shirts because apparently it is this year’s must have fashion accessory. Many were heard laughing as they managed to get rid of stock that went out of date when Noah was a lad.

So to kick off we met at Typhoons to watch the match on two faded screens from the pavement – a shame to see that they have taken the Valley stuff down but at least they’ve gotten rid of their photos of the Ginger Prince Buckler the nomadic Taff. England showed that it was business as usual – all mouth and no trousers – a bit like their team hotel the previous weekend. Luckily the Valley Kiwis were very generous in their win and probably only mentioned the “Fukking useless Pommie C@nts” a few times during and after the match. The English were gracious in defeat preferring to pick on the lesser nations in the northern hemisphere to take deflect the attention to their shameful, woeful dog sh!t example of a team performance – Simon learned that Scotland may not have been the best team to single out on the bus on the way back from the meal. Imagine a Scottish version of Valley’s very own Mr Angry JC – only angrier and without a receding hairline. Not someone you’d trifle with – you could smell the sh!t from Simon’s pants as the Raging Sporren took exception to his feeble chants.

So to the meal – well what a fine eatery we chose – they kindly put a lot of thought into things that would travel the furthest but do the least damage at one point serving face flannels for the final course. I found half a fish head in my shirt pocket when I woke up on Sunday morning which is better than the crabs that Sammy found in his pants. All the teams were well represented – the Ones were treated to a pre season Juddy torso as he took his shirt off to display his guns – “more water pistols than Dirty Harry Magnums” (was a direct quote from Weasel who is having his own ones cosmetically enhanced with pig butt fat in Bangkok). The Knights were generally well represented and evenly balanced on both sides without Prav picking himself to be there as Head of the Table. The Tangs showed what the s3x offender’s register annual day trip to the seaside looks like. Les Broncos had a great turnout with the chef asking to borrow some of their chewing garlic for our food. The Griffs were also celebrating a stag do – Seb Nacho Libra showing why he is tipped to prop for the Ones next year with the body of a Spartan. The Ma Jais tried and tried to drink cartons of tea all night but in the end Forrest, Ed, Pheonix, Kevin and the boys got through at least one bottle of Blue Girl between them. The youngsters were chaperoned by Charlie and Jonny who ensured that they got so hammered they were throwing up and pi$$ing on the bus just like a normal school trip.

The fines and awards went extremely well with Riebe being the most consistent Yank the club has ever known. It’s hard to believe that he used to be the 110 hurdles high school winner and was the Regional Young Offenders champion in 1956. The journey back to the bus was quite eventful with Greg choosing to show us how he intended to overcome his fear of water and sharks in one go – the photos show a technique often referred to as “sheer fukking stupidity” that endeared him to all of the locals – Sammy tried to get a poodle that was wearing pink hotpants off it’s owner and throw it into the tank but the b!tch wasn’t having any of it and neither was the dog. The bus back was a quiet time for us all to reflect on just what it means to be a Valley man. This period of reflection was broken only by excessive drinking and shouting interspersed with the odd impromptu wrestling match. Wan Chai was a bomb burst but Shore Leave Guards were glad that we could take the emphasis off the sailors who kept telling us we were “fukking awesome dudes” It was just like having Liptak around.

Great night guys and lets try not to leave it a whole year before we do it again eh?