AGENCIES in Hong Kong (2000)
A season is a long time in rugby politics, as Valley fossil Colin Olsen was once heard muttering from a toilet cubicle before a big final match against the Filth at Mong Kok stadium.
Perhaps he had a point as he pondered the season just about to end from the broken toilet seat that had trapped one of his hairy nads in a crack. The lofty, dizzying heights of levitation from Deano and Deaytons knuckles on many a Saturday afternoon seemed so distant.
“Yep, times have changed since my first tour to Manila as a nine year old Valley player”, chirped Colin down the phone yesterday. “Sure as hell, we didn’t have any Yarpie bastards in the club in those days.”
“And there sure as hell weren’t any fly-by-night Kiwis rocking in to nick the Player of the Year award”, he added.
Olsen was referring to Mark Solomon, the 99-00 Man of Steel, pictured below working on the Tsing Ma bridge which he single-handedly designed, built and drove on.
I rang Solomon for a comment but he was not home, probably building a bridge somewhere, so I left a message.
Next I called Paul Dingley for comment but he was also not answering his phone.
“Yeah, that’d be right”, said Olsen. “Too bloody scared, mate. You leave a message and you tell him that Colin Olsen says ‘see you at training, wuss!’”
After a little research I uncovered the source of this in-club bickering, so uncommon in Hong Kong. It seems that Trevor Gregory, the DeA benefactor and loud fat bloke, had left comments on both the Valley and DeA websites, claiming to be Paul Dingley and announcing that Colin Olsen was a hopeless pommy git and that he inserts his pet guinea pig, Jeremy, up his ass before going to bed. Jack Sallay then got a sniff of the story and with his nose for stories that deride the sport in Hong Kong, quickly made the quarrel public. In the same fabricated article, he claimed that club captain, Boozer, was a womanizer and that Brinky was as “hard as nails”. Two obviously hideous claims. I called Boozer to ask for comment but he bent over as his elementary canal went into spasm and he vomited at the mere mention of the claims.
Too put the rumours to rest, I called Olsens long-suffering locking partner and fellow Valley stale wart, Chris Brooke. His wife advised me that he was unavailable for comment as he was choosing the colour scheme for his wedding.
Brookie, pictured with fellow wedded bloke, Robin Bredbury on dreaded flight to Greenland.
In a live video link up with Dingley, from his villa on the French Riviera – paid for with dubious and mysterious funds – he had this to say, “Fuck you buddy, I worked hard for this pad. This whole Olsen affair is way out of hand. I don’t even have a PC. I couldn’t posted those comments on any websites.”
At this point the screen went all fuzzy and the image of Trevor Gregory came on. “Ya Valley fuckers”, he seethed. “Ya stole ma stars, ya fuckers!” He was referring to the Hong Kong captain Dingley, prop Rob Grindlay and fly-half Carl Murray. “Well fuck yas, we still won Coach of the Year and Player of the Year and ma missus won the raffle too.” Police are still investigating the HKRFU raffle as Gregory himself drew the numbers from the barrel.
From his mansion in deepest, darkest Wales, ex-DeA coach Gary Cross took a long drag on his spliff and said, “Yeeeeeeeah.”
To avoid any further history-related comments I tried to get comments from Valleys new players, Tommy K, Locky and the Knife. But as seen below, it was difficult to get an honest answer as Olsen had already gotten to Kennedy and bought him off with a blowjob. “Olse is a good cunt”, claimed Kennedy, moments later.
Finally, I thought that there was untrappable man that could put this whole story to rest; by first clearing the names of the aforementioned new men of Valley but it seems that had gotten to him as well.
“We’re all nuts around here”, says unidentified man on his knees
It seems that nobody was untainted by this far reaching scandal.
Alvin Solly