WARNING - this blog contains gutter language but more facts than usual. It doesn't represent the views of human beings or even Valley RFC.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love the Northern Tours each November, when the All Blacks, Wallabies and Boks head to Europe to batter the Six Nations. Tri-Nations has the best rugby quality but it does get boring playing our Southern rivals three or four times in a year.

Clarkie made some excellent points on Sunday as we quaffed Heinekens in DB to celebrate Sawyers birthday. While the Six Nations has less sparkling rugby, a feature of the tournament is that you get one shot against each other team. There is no return match. In Europe, goal number one is to win the tournament. Goal number two is to beat as many of your bastard enemies as possible. “Why?”, I asked. Who gives a shit if you come second in the Six Nations? Well, you have bragging rights for the next 12 months over each other country that you defeated. You won’t get another shot for 12 months.

The other benefit of this is that you get used to the idea of “one shot” rugby; very valuable in a knockout tournament such as, say, the Rugby World Cup.

For those same reasons, I love the Northern Tour. Especially, no doubt, as the AB’s have been a roll in recent years in Europe. RWC, and a single forward pass at Cardiff in 2007, aside, the AB’s haven’t lost in Europe since 2004 under Henry. In 2008 a Grand Slam would have been good enough but those miserly All Blacks didn’t concede a single try against the Home Nations. That was pretty impressive. They’re currently on 400 minutes of rugby in Europe without a try against.

The win rate of the AB’s is unmatched. Scotland and Ireland have never beaten the AB’s in 26 and 21 games respectively. The Welsh aint won in 21 matches, since 1953. The English have won only once in the last 15 games and are on a seven match losing streak - along with Australia. The Boks womped NZ by 3-0 this year’s TN.
New Zealand has won 9 of the 14 Tri Nations titles and pumped the British Lions three to zip on 2005.

The French have famously continued to frustrate the AB’s when it matters most, even though the record in Paris has been very impressive – not losing a Paris test match in the last eight encounters. That must hurt the French so much for them to wanna fukk us up in World Cups. Perhaps that’s why the 2007 quarter final was played in Cardiff and not Paris? It was a damned shame to be removed from the RWC twice (playing Scotland in Scotland also) during the last tournament.

Given that NZ has been pretty much top of the world rankings since the system was inaugurated, the “choker” label is probably justified to be honest. There’s been no shortage of effort gone into winning the World Cup. And there’s no hiding the fact that it does hurt New Zealand. The closest we’ve got since 1987, was the final in Jo’Burg in 1995 where our effort was apparently scuttled by Suzie the Waitress. Whether you believe the stories or not (but they are true), Joel Stransky’s extra time drop goal broke NZs heart. I hope Clint Eastwoods new film based on the 1995 RWC will capture all these moments.

There’s no denying that all Kiwis want the Webb Ellis trophy to spend “four more years” in the cabinet but I do feel that many Kiwi’s forget to celebrate and enjoy the incredible victories and form that has brought so much joy to us. They have played as creatively as possible and expressed themselves on the field and, for our small country, brought immense pride and pleasure to our living rooms, pubs and rugby club rooms.

Personally, I do not believe that “only the cup matters”. That’s bullshit. The cup does matter – absolutely. But so does winning during the 3.5 years between. The question is often asked, “would you rather win the RWC and then be shit for 3.5 years or not win the world cup and play well in the 3.5 years?” Obviously you’d want both. Oh yes, I’m talking about you England!

If I were English, I would have been over the moon with the RWC win in 2003 but I’d have been mighty pissed off and disappointed at the less than 50% win rate for each of the next three years with 2006 being a standout year, losing 8 from 11 (including Argentina at Twickenham). However, by some absolute bastard miracle, England progressed to the final in 2007 and lost 6-15 to the Yarpies.

The Yarpies, after the 1995 success, suffered their first ever series lost to the AB’s on African soil in 1996. In fact, were beaten 4 games to 1 by AB's in 1996. Some of the 1995 world cup winning Boks might have been harbouring uncertainty over the poisoning saga. “What if they were poisoned?” The 1996 All Blacks series win must have cast long shadows in SA. Their victory in 2007 was not in doubt though. Like England in 2003, they played safe, sensible football and won on pure form.

With the RWC, you don’t carry bragging rights for 4 years unless you back it up with some decent footy in between. If you carried around your last title, Reiby would have been gloating for the past 80 odd years (yes, he is that old) that the USA were the current Olympic Rugby Champions. Likewise, the Kiwis are the current Rugby League world champs but lost last weekend to England and will not feature in the Four Nations final. I Can assure you 100% that league fans back in NZ are NOT walking around cheerfully claiming that “it doesn’t matter cos we’re still the world champions”.

While the choker label itself, doesn’t upset me too much, I do resent the overuse of it by folks from countries that have a pathetic RWC and non-RWC record. I had to remind a young Welshman that Wales have only made a single semi final (in 1987) and didn’t even make the quarter finals in 2007. The way many Welshmen speak, they’re the unluckiest team in the world. If they were meant to have won all those games, well surely they’re the biggest chokers ever?

It dawned on me that the only thing that some people have to celebrate, is the fact that NZ has only won one RWC.

I sent a text message to ex-Valley man and fair dinkum Australian, Sean O’Hara, after the Tokyo Bledisloe match, asking him to comment on the seven match losing streak against the AB’s. His humble response was “fuck off you 2011 chokers”. I did laugh. After all, seven in a row is pretty sweet against our closest rivals. I think the right choice was made with Graeme Henry over Dingo Deans, especially after I saw the snake singing along to the Australian National Anthem in Tokyo. It made my bloody skin crawl. What a bloody disgrace! You are not an Australian Robbie.

While the French do represent a major nuisance in World Cup rugby, they haven’t done very well except to beat the AB’s at knock out time in 1999 and 2007. If they insist on knocking us out, they could have the bloody decency to go on and win the bloody tournament for once. In fact, I would suggest that they lost to Argentina in the 2007 opening match - just so they could have a crack at us in Cardiff in the quarter final. Damned sneaky. They, unlike NZ, have not won the RWC yet but have been in two finals and three semi finals. In 2011, New Zealand and France are drawn in the same pool which could make things interesting. Finally, we get a decent tough game in pool play instead of Portugal, Romania and the Scotland bloody ‘B’ team. Bring that shit on!

The Welsh have been complaining since last weekends loss to the AB’s. It breaks my heart to see their Kiwi coach, Gatts, moaning about Carters high tackle – like it lost them the game. Wales were simply second best; an off peak All Blacks team kept them in the game. I’d be happy to see us squeak home in all these Europe games while we build some form and peak at the right time.

The may be chokers but they’re my chokers. They’re farking awesome.

Your majestic and superior cackling hen
Boozer
Nov 9 2009